Strong, Firm and Steadfast....

I've mentioned before that I've struggled the last few years with my faith... I've questioned things I was taught as a child, I've questioned things I once believed in.  I've never doubted there was a "higher being", I had just lost faith as to what/who/where that was... and how was I to connect to it??  I've looked into alternative religion, different practices than I had grown up with, trying to find answers.  I tried to escape the idea entirely even- I hadn't taken Monkey to a house of worship (of any kind) since he was a year old, he's been a couple times but not with me- I let friends take him if he was with a sitter, etc... I never said No.

I get frustrated and scoff when I see those who say they are Christians saying hurtful things to and about some of my friends because of the life they have chosen- how could the God I knew who taught us to love one another condone hating someone for their choices??

I get frustrated and question things when my own son struggles to be 'normal' because of something neither he nor I had done, but instead he was victim to a cruel twist of fate- and when I see an innocent child lose their life because of the same virus that left Monkey relatively 'normal' in comparison to many... how could a god of love do that??

Then in the quest to find myself I kept coming back to the idea, the feeling that something in my life was missing.  It was a relationship... NO, not that kind (to the chagrin of some of my co-workers... sorry girls that's NOT what I'm talking about) rather something so much deeper.  I'm talking about a relationship so close, so intense, so intimate that all others pale in comparison.

One thing that held me back was my excuse, "I don't think Monkey Boy can handle it.", "I don't want him acting out..." "Sunday is the only day we really stay home, I need that day to rest"  The list of excuses goes on and on and on.... Kind of like Monkey when he's wound up!

Then one day I found out that a LARGE church in the area had a special needs Sunday school class and that many of his friends from Baseball attended... it also happened to be a church that keeps popping up via various friends and colleagues of mine.

One special person (Monkey's sweet coach from baseball) and I started talking about it- and she invited me to come one Sunday, in a way that led me more to feel like I was making the decision rather than like she was asking me to come, then I discovered another dear friend of mine from a previous job worked in the room Monkey would be in for Sunday School... someone who KNOWS his issues and has known him since he was born.  So I put my excuses away and thought why not give it a try??  Oh yeah, there was the issue of my crowd anxiety.

So the fateful morning arrived (today) and I got up, got ready and put on a brave face- luckily Monkey seemed happy with going so it was all me holding myself back.... but I'm so glad that we went.  SO SO SO glad.  He apparently did quite well- I'm told he listened and behaved in class... and well ME I did get a little nauseated and wanted to run for the parking lot when I first walked in and saw the crowd, and boy oh boy, was it a huge one... but Coach found us a spot near the door on the end of an aisle so I could go to Monkey if he needed me, or I could flee if I needed to...

Instead, I focused on the purpose I was there for, to hopefully fill that empty place in my heart again... ( I didn't flee! I didn't turn away) and I left feeling a little bit more at ease.

I'm not saying all my questions have been answered after just one Sunday, but little by little these past few weeks my faith is feels like it's being restored, piece by piece... people are being placed in my life at just the right place, just the right time and things are moving around me that make me see maybe this IS what I've been missing.

I'm always so quick to do things that make Monkey or WoWzers lives easier and better that I've not listened to my own heart in a LONG time.  My decisions have been based on what is best for them- but lately I've learned I am worthy of feeling whole again- I am worthy of feeling a love so deep nothing can compare, just I am worthy in general.

This is just a step forward in my journey to feeling that completeness- along with being able to love myself where I am, and accepting who a am in the moment- and remembering I'm much more than just "Monkey Boy's mom and WoWzers sister"... but, it's a step I'm glad I have taken.  (knowing Monkey was happy and had fun took a weight off my shoulders as well) I'm looking forward to next week and going back... who knows maybe I will eventually get over my crowd phobia but that's a WHOLE other post!!!!

Love to all!!!! s~s

20/20 Rocking FORTY Fabulously~~~~

Good afternoon my lovies!!! Hope your Tuesday is ROCKING!!!!

Last week I KNOW I was whining about getting lost in the hoopla of being Monkey Boy’s mom and WoWzers Big sis—and I apologize but hey- it’s what was happening at the time and have I not warned you, that you’ll be privy to those days as well as the ones that kick ass???

Speaking of kicking ASS… Did just that this weekend!! I took Friday off (for the most part) and just went shopping for myself- not the house, not the boys, just ME- felt good to do something just for Shonda for a change.  I found an adorable dress I decided to wear Saturday night AND shoes to go with it!!! 

If you don't know I turned the BIG 4-0 on Sunday... so this weekend was about my birthday!!!!! 

Then Saturday I got a massage, a manicure/pedicure and spent the day just doing what I Wanted to do- all while knowing Monkey Boy was having a BLAST with his Ms. K.  After a day of letting other people pamper me- 

I headed home to get ready for my birthday celebration…

Not going to lie, I was a little blue when I got word that several of my friends who I expected to hang out with at the ‘after dinner party’ were going to be unable to make it… so I just canceled that part of my evening- THEN I got a late RSVP that a favorite person of mine would be joining us… YAY, all renewed and ready to rock!!!

I managed to get my hair to do what I wanted it to, (took me a few tries) and donned my little blue dress- and I must say, I felt pretty… Oh so pretty…. Oh sorry got off track singing there. 

Super Sweet Present!!

Dinner was PERFECT- some of the people I love and care about the most were there- minus my mom, stepdad, Monkey Boy and WoWzer (who had to work so NOT upset over that fact!) I haven’t been out like a grown up in, ummmmmm yeah I can’t tell you when, so it was so great to just chill and enjoy the company of the people who love me!! (they love me JUST LIKE I AM, too—always a huge PLUS!!) ]

After dinner, I got to snuggle on Monkey while he was asleep and on Sunday I woke up to a sweet present he made me w/Ms. K and some awesome cupcakes he helped her make too!!!

I also woke up to a TON of Happy Birthday messages from friends and family all over the country!! :) :)  [ 

Told you it was cute!!! :)

Sunday I pulled off another CUTE hair style, if I may say so myself, and I took the boys to a Lexington Legends game.  (Great seats compliments of Monkey Boy’s Toyota Miracle League of the Bluegrass most amazing buddy and Monkey Boy’s biggest fan- next to mom of course!)

PLAY BALL!!! 

We enjoyed hot dogs and a couple drinks- then when Monkey was over stimulated we left the game and ended up at a local Mexican establishment for dinner and a rendition of “Feliz Cumpleanos” complete with sombrero and free sopapilla! Then later a great phone call with a wonderful friend who lives too far away! 

So all in all I will say my last days at 39 and my first at 40 have F'ing ROCKED!!!! I was reminded of what's most important and that's being with the people who love me, for me- not the quantity of guests at a party but the quality of the relationships you have with those guests!!

(I've also decided that when I have the time, I will TOTALLY be rocking more 1940’s inspired fashions and hair styles… I LOVE them!! Wish we had got some good pics… who knows maybe that’s my next “ME THING” a vintage photo shoot!!! OOOH now that sounds like fun!!!!)

My Inspiration- my Grandma in 1942 and me in 2013!!  

Love you all and I encourage you to love yourself- take time out every so often for yourself and you’ll discover what a huge difference it has on your outlook!!!

Love~~ ]]]

S~S [[[

Where in the world is....

I've tried writing for a couple weeks now and for some reason just can't seem to get the words to flow... some days I think... AH-HA today will be the day I'll have something prolific to say...

Then I think about things going on in my life and realize not everyone wants to know what Monkey Boy said last night or how potty training is going (great btw, thanks for asking).  Not everyone wants to read about another mischievous moment he's had... or cute thing he did. Sometimes however it feels like that's all I have to talk about- I suppose that comes along with being a mother- especially of an extra special miracle (all children are miracles really, but mine is extra special) But someday's I feel like I have lost a huge part of ME along the way, today is one of those day...

Maybe it's my impending 'celebration of the day I entered the world' (AKA my birthday) or other things that are going on in the world of Monkey Boy and WoWzer... Granted the boys have both had a lot of changes and transitions and being mom and the responsible older sibling I do tend to give a lot to help them both- whatever it is... somewhere I've once again lost simply, Shonda... I'm back to being "Monkey Boy's Mom" or "WoWzers Sister".

I kind of miss being ME, I was just getting back to finding myself, accepting myself and loving myself.  I am going on a hunt for her this weekend-- I'm getting a massage and a mani/pedi, a couple little things for myself, will that help?? I hope so...

                                             
I guess my challenge for each of you is to do something for YOU this weekend- take a few minutes to just do something for yourself- (I don't mean something you NEED to do, like make that doctors appointment that's way overdue because you have to make sure everyone else is seen first) I mean something you WANT to do, just for yourself- no matter how selfish it feels...

Love,
S~S

Into the Light...

Good Afternoon my pretties!!! Hope everyone is enjoying this heat and humidity~~ because it's not the heat- it's the humid that makes it so miserable right?? (Sorry, no it's the heat too- I'm too delicate a Scottish flower to believe the bullshit about how dry heat is different...) I prefer comfortably warm-- about 10-15 degrees cooler than it's been here lately!

So ANYHOW... enough about the weather- let's get down to the nitty gritty of why we're here... (to read what I have to say, right?)

Have you ever been happy, content and just sailing along-- no chop, smooth water, just the right amount of wind and sunshine.  A perfect feeling actually, one you'd like to relish for a long time... A feeling you could get used to and could enjoy to it's fullest....

Then BAM!!! Suddenly your sail has a small hole in it, out of nowhere. It's not a huge rip, it's hardly noticeable to the nekkid (yes NEKKID) eye- but slowly you start losing wind-- your mainsail starts to deflate a little and you're no longer sailing along, more like drifting aimlessly.  The longer you're out on the water the larger the rip gets and the more deflated your sail becomes, until finally it's useless.

Now how the hell are you going to get back to shore?? You have to break out the oars and row in.  What happened to your smooth, slow, relaxed sailing excursion?? Now you have to WORK to get back to shore safely.  It's starting to get dark and that calm water is now a little freakishly scary.  So you row harder and harder hoping to get back to land before your mind starts to play tricks on you and you start seeing things in the dark, in the still calm water.  Hopefully you're rowing in the right direction, not going in circles or getting further and further from shore. 

Oh and don't forget it's getting cold now- the sun has set and taken not only, the only light you had but that wonderful soft warmth along with it.  This makes it even harder to row as the cold sets in.  You're cold, tired, scared and a little pissed off that your relaxing jaunt has taken a turn for the worst. Your mind is racing- you're starting to consider giving up, when you see a glimmer of light.  

Hopefully it's not some kind of sea monster (told you your mind was racing and making up some crazy shit!) You're inclined to row toward the light, hurriedly at first, then your brain starts making up more crazy stuff so you slow down some-- the closer you get, you realize it's a light house, a beckon of safety! You row faster and harder until you finally make it to shore- safely.  You're welcomed by a light keeper, offered shelter, food and rest.  You also discover a place to repair your sail.  It isn't a hard job, the sail isn't completely torn just enough to deflate and not hold your wind- so you mend your sail and sleep a good hard sleep after working so hard to get to shore.  The next day you are able to start off on your sailing excursion again... renewed, restored and ready to go.  The light keeper gives you enough provisions to help you in the event your sail goes flat again along with a compass to help you on your way.   This time you're prepared for dangers and feel more secure as you travel in  your repaired sailboat. 

OK so MOST of us have never even BEEN on a sailboat- much less on an excursion out on our own like the one above.  BUT how many times have you be content and happy, sailing along when someone says something that just seems to take all the wind out of your sails?? It may have been an innocent comment to them but to you it was that small rip that lead to your deflated mainsail. They may not even realize they've said or done anything 'damaging' but yet there you are, dead in the water, feeling defeated. 

Maybe you were just starting to get over issues that had plagued you for several years and feeling really good about yourself and your situation- now you feel like you're slipping back to that dark, scary place again. You pull out your oars and start working to leave the darkness behind, you KNOW you can get out of it, you've done it before-- you've worked hard to overcome the fear, the demons in your head, the things you imagine are there but really aren't. (or that you imagine aren't there but they really are. Think about that one for a minute) But for a while you hadn't had to deal with any of them- until NOW... again- it only took a few words and you feel like you're drifting aimlessly once more.  You're working harder than ever to get to that happy place again. You're rowing fast and furious to get out of the dark and cold. 

Then your light house comes along- it could be a friend, a stranger, a child with something to say that lifts your spirits- or it could be something else- you may read something, see something- whatever it is for you, it helps guide you to a safe, quiet place.  A place to regroup and remind yourself, you're OK.  A place where you can repair your sail and relax.  Where you can reflect.  From this encounter with your light keeper you feel energized, ready to head back out- ready to conquer your insecurities and fears again- to get back on track. You may proceed cautiously at first. You may choose to avoid the one who 'ripped your sail' in the first place, at least for a while... or you may choose to confront them- whatever floats your boat (HA) and works for you!  But remember when you feel that darkness creeping in that there is someone, something out there that is your light keeper-- and strive to surround yourself with that (those, them... you get the point) 

It's also a good time to remember we can all be light keepers-- that there's someone out there in the darkness, a drift with no direction and we can each bring them light- we can all give someone else rest and reassurance at some point.  It's sort of a pay it forward kind of deal~~ you may find that by sharing your light with someone else you actually light your own way as well. 

I hope each of you find your light house today- and act as someone's light keeper as well.  

Love,

S~S

The Aftermath... not After the Math (because that would be depressing, I hate math!)

HELLO my darlings!!! Missed me lately??  

It's been a while since I took the time to sit down and write- I've been busy traveling for work and then getting back to 'normal' after that... Although not sure how I manage to do that since there was no 'normal' before I was gone so much.  But, I always say there is no such thing as normal-- only varying degrees of insanity!  That I can do! 

 OK- so ANYHOW a few weeks ago I wrote about Breaking The Mold- taking charge of how I feel about MYSELF and not letting society dictate how I should feel, look, act...etc.  Wanted to take a minute and update everyone one that- it's actually WORKING!!!!!

Since deciding to relinquish the confines of society's expectations~~~ 

I've come to like myself more, take better care of myself and feel better about ME and who I am.  I've been taking advantage of having an amazing support system with the Monkey Boy and taking time to get my nails done, get my hair done and occasionally take some down time, just for ME.  I'm less stressed, less blah and actually less 'tired'.  I've started doing things that make ME happy again... being selfish for just a few hours a week (But NOT causing Monkey Boy to sacrifice at all)-- ALL because I decided to change how I looked at, thought of and felt about myself.  I'm taking time to realize I'm more than just Monkey Boy's momma- I'm My own person, who DESERVES to feel good about HERSELF.

I figured with a milestone birthday coming up (YES, I will be 21 AGAIN!!! Thanks for asking!)  I didn't want to face another decade feeling so down on myself- because at the end of the day it's my opinion that actually dictates how others feel about me.  If I possess a negative attitude about myself, my body, my position in life at this time- then others will follow suit- and that is NOT what I'm looking to put out in the universe.  

I can't lie I've had a BAD attitude about myself for a long time- actually my attitude has just been bad about  a lot of  things (no need to make a list here)-- but since I've been learning to Roll With It and Breaking The Mold I'm learning to be a lot more positive.  I had no idea how my self image and my hang ups about it were affecting my life as a whole-- until I started changing the way I think. 

Breaking the chains of constantly trying to measure up to someone else's expectations has been AMAZING... Just wish it hadn't taken as long as it has 'ahem... it's only be 21 years.  (you DO believe that right??) 

 It's not been a quick and easy thing to do- I still look in the mirror sometimes and go 'meh'... but I'm trying daily to find at least ONE positive thing and focus on that... Someday's, I'm still caught off guard at times by something in the media that makes me feel inferior, then I politely say "Fuck it, that's not who I am or who I'll ever be"- and I go back to celebrating my uniqueness.  

I'm trying to let go of the old 'expectations' of how someone of my age and position in life (the single mother of a very special needs little guy in a professional career) is supposed to act and feel and instead decide for myself-- if I want to be silly, I'll act silly, if I don't want to "act my age", so be it~~ AND I'm LEARNING to take chances- although I'm STILL not very good at that- I get all tangled up inside and then I start to go thru the 'what if's' and it takes a downward spiral straight to "Hell in a Hand-basket" - but I don't want to be at the end of my life and regret not taking a risk ~~~ So it's a learning process. 

If I can wish and hope anything for anyone else it's that each of you have the same freedom from your negative thoughts and connotations about yourself- that you discover how amazing  YOU are just as you are- how NO ONE has the ability to define you but  YOU.

I promise to check in sooner and update y'all on the progress! I'd LOVE to hear what some of you have done recently to break free from the chains of others expectations~~ and how you felt about it!! 

Love to all!!

S~S 

Abercrombie and Fat...

WOW!!! 

Yesterday this atrocity "Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Explains Why He Hates Fat Chicks" hit my Facebook feed… REALLY?? What timing!! Just when I had posted "Breaking the Mold"... However,  I actually scoffed at it because despite Mr. Jeffries claim that he didn't want ‘fat chicks’ wearing his brand… I CAN wear the guys XL/XXL T’s and Rugby shirts… therefore invalidating his argument that 'overweight women' can’t wear Abercrombie and Fitch stuff.  (BUT I will also NEVER wear another Abercrombie garment again due to his comments and my skinny, cute and cool son won’t either!) 

I took a gander at Ole Mr. Jeffries

Since Mr. J was being candid, let me say quite honestly - I don’t find him at all attractive or ‘cool’ (again, attractive is subjective to perspective, so I’m sure there are many out there who might find him to be ‘hot’, I’m just not one of them) —but I’m willing to bet he didn't grow up feeling like one of the ‘cool kids’ himself (or a fat chick broke his heart at some point in his childhood) and is projecting his insecurities on and helping to fuck up yet another generation of impressionable, media conscious youth.  

With garbage like this being thrown out there is it any wonder we have so many young girls with body image issues, horrible self-esteem and eating disorders? And young men who are bullied because they are different?  

Makes me sick to think my son will be growing up in this society- granted physically he could RAWK an A/F bag- he does have a BMI of 13.8 naturally.  But I want him to know it’s ok to love any body shape, composition whatever we want to call it… that’s one reason I want to LOVE myself- so he knows it’s OK to be who you are!!  (and to love who you want- regardless of their shape or size)

I do wonder if Mike Jeffries didn’t (hopefully) shoot himself in the wallet with this proclamation though- after all who does he think controls the cash flow that most of these younglings are blowing up in his stores?? Moms and dads… who don’t all fit his ideal customer base, and would disgrace his brand by stepping foot in his stores, who from what I’m reading are quite offended by his discrimination and refuse to allow their children to purchase/wear/sport Abercrombie and Fitch any longer—sure there are some young ‘uns that work and spend their own hard earned bling on his overpriced attire, but there are enough pissed off parents out there that he could possibly see a dip in his profits now that he’s put this crap out there.  Natural consequences…  just sayin’.

After reading this last night I took a long look in the mirror—at all the curves, imperfections, scars- each one makes me unique—and I actually went to bed feeling better about myself than I have in a LONG time.  Granted I didn’t want to get up this morning (I really wanted to sleep longer) but I even woke up feeling good about being ME.  Because mentally last night I broke one more mold- I don’t want to fit in to the ‘Abercrombie and Fitch’ “Core Customer” club- how boring is that?? 

Google Abercrombie model  (I'll wait while you do) and you’ll see a bunch of younger boys- well I CAN’T fit that image (I’m not equipped, my plumbing is quite different) and the few female models I saw didn’t seem to have any special attributes that set them apart from each other—granted these are just two dimensional images on a page and they may have some AMAZING personalities and they are pretty  ****I’m NOT bashing the models of Abercombie and Fitch only trying to analyze the concept of Mr. Jeffries mindset****  

Yeah,  I much prefer my curves, dips, rolls, scars and tattoos- they make me unique, set me apart and make me—ME!! And that’s pretty damn spectacular!!! So Mike Jeffries can keep his exclusive ‘club’—I’d rather be set apart even if I am considered one of the ‘uncool’ fat chicks! I’m cool with that!!!

Remember whatever size you are- you’re BEAUTIFUL just by being YOU!!!! 

Breaking the Mold...

A couple weeks ago I posted about how I have trouble ‘Rolling With It’ when it comes to Monkey Boy and the mainstream vs. Monkey Boy ideals… It’s bothered me for a while now as to WHY I really give two mouse farts as to what others think about him, me or how I handle things with him- then it dawned on me- I’m like that about EVERYTHING…

SO, WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE??

Because it’s been ingrained into me from childhood that it matters what society thinks!! I've been told that there’s this general idea of how I’m supposed to look, act, behave, raise my child, love and live for nearly FORTY years now… well it’s time I break that damn mold!!! 

I've never been one who REALLY wanted to conform, I always wanted to be ME— I've never truly fit into society's perfect little package—but I’d be damned if I didn't die trying because well, it's what you do... 

Let’s start with my HORRIFIC BODY IMAGE ISSUES-- I've tried and subsequently failed at every fad diet in the book because I have been told from a young age (starting about age 9-10); “You’d be so pretty if you’d just lose the weight”, “No one wants to be with a big girl”, “You’ll never have babies if you’re fat!”, “You look unhealthy- don’t you want to look healthy??” and my fave the simple “ You've got such a pretty face…” (Queue crickets chirping) Wow, really Grandma??  

Now at that stage of my life I wasn't even 'big' just thicker than what I was 'supposed' to be by industry standards, I danced in High School- Looking back, I was pretty darn cute! But never felt cute because I wasn't 'skinny'... 

1988- ME!!

The awe inspiring, confidence building comments only got better as I got older and tried to ‘become what was acceptable’ in the weight department- Not only did these comments destroy my inner confidence but they also shaped how I look at others - which is an awful thing- and so not fair, to me or to ‘others’!!

I put SO MUCH energy into trying to SQUEEZE into that mold that was set up for me back in 1973, that I didn't have energy for other things, I was too busy counting calories or figuring out if I walked this long on the treadmill how many calories that burned, etc. —I have been a slave to the scale and to the nagging voice in the back of my head (usually sounded like my mother honestly) saying “don’t eat that- you’ll regret it in the morning when you get on the scale!!” Then eating anyway just to 'show her I could do what the hell I wanted!'

The feelings of shame and failure didn’t help either- “What happened? You had lost all that weight and now it’s back…” (Said by an ‘authority figure’ I used to work under—who has never experienced being ‘the fat girl’)  WHO SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE??? Really???  Oh and THANKS for pointing it out, because I didn't notice when my ‘fat jeans’ became my ‘OMG these are too tight’ jeans???? 

Granted over the last six years I have gained a considerable amount of weight (how much is between me and myself) but do people really think they’re helping bolster any one’s self confidence when they make comments like that to people—and why should they care??  Especially when they haven't experienced what I have- what's brought me to this stage of my life? Are THEY so bent by the media they only see numbers on a scale and not who a person is beyond that?? 

I don't want to blame it all on the media but seems like just when we get a role model we (as bigger girls) can relate to they’re suddenly the next Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig ‘spokes model’... 

Jennifer Hudson

When the media tells us we are supposed to look like Jenny McCarthy not Melissa McCarthy.  (Who is absolutely BEAUTIFUL and funny to boot!)  It's hard not to be made to feel like you're not amazing because you're 'bigger'...

Melissa McCarthy/Jenny McCarthy

Recently I found another blogger The Militant Baker who I have just fallen in love with!! The more I read, the more I want desperately to adapt to her self-view… she’s OK with being WHO SHE IS - LIKE SHE IS… she doesn't give a rats ass what others think.  There was one particular post that was linked from a friends Facebook page—Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls...  can’t lie, I cried reading it!! I totally bawled!! I mean sobbed like a little girl…

So for today I’m going to end here—my head is about to explode with all the emotions and thoughts floating around in it- I’ll tackle the rest of the list of ‘what I’m supposed to be’ tomorrow or the next day… when we’ll look at how I’m apparently supposed to love, live and raise my child!!! Boy doesn't that sound fun?? I know I'm looking forward to it! YYEEEKKK!!! 

For now I’m going to work on liking ME- BIG, FLUFFY, ME!!! I’m going to find the things I LOVE about myself- PHYSICALLY not just ‘on the inside’ and flaunt them… I'm going to TRY to start dressing like I want, instead of hiding in sweat shirts and hockey jersey's because I'm afraid someone will judge me for wearing short skirts and sleeveless tops since I'm NOT 'little'. I'm going to  try to stop gagging when I go shopping and look for the positives instead!! I'm going to embrace the goddess with curves and even rolls that lies beneath layers of cardigans and big T-shirts. (Ok the cardigans may have to linger because it's cold as the north pole in my office! But they'll only be for warmth!) 

Now, it’s NOT—I REPEAT NOT going to happen overnight I mean I have 40 years to chip away at here folks but I’m going to break this cycle of hating my ‘self’ because I’m not what society has dictated I be- NO I’m NOT, I’m ME!!! 



I'm Simply Shonda!!! 

Roll With It

Let me preface this with a disclaimer-- I wouldn't change this little stinker~~~ what needs changing is how momma here handles some of the stress that comes with parenting Monkey Boy...

So Saturday we had game two of Monkey Boy’s extraordinary baseball team… of course he ran—and ran—and ran some more… not when he was supposed to or to where he was supposed to go but just randomly all over the field… Stopping on occasion to throw a ball to someone, to give someone a high five or his favorite game ~ smack mom on the butt— And I’m not going to lie—it made me anxious. 

Anxious someone would comment on the wild little boy running all over—the little boy who couldn't listen, who couldn't be still… That someone would comment on my apparent lack of parenting skills and how he just needs boundaries and discipline…

I suppose I’m still stuck a mindset of ‘mainstream’ and how I’m supposed to help him ‘fit into that mold’ although I KNOW he’s never going to just ‘fit in’, I subconsciously keep expecting any day it’ll happen- it’ll click in his little oddly wired brain and he’ll ‘get it’… but at the end of the day I’m left exasperated, worn out, exhausted, pooped and plain old disappointed… WHY???

Because I can’t just “LET IT GO”!!!

You’d think after five years, I’d have this down, but sometimes I forget when I look into those big brown eyes while he’s doing something SO typical of a 4/5 year old (since he’s a new five I will cut some slack there), I forget how we struggle to keep our little body in sync so we can just make it through the day.  I forget how we can memorize an entire movie script but we can’t remember that the stove is hot… I forget that we can’t process things as quickly and we repeat- sometimes we repeat, repeat, repeat until mom is blue in the face and frustrated- I forget our little body just doesn't always do the things we want it to and it’s hard to figure out how to catch a ball,  cut a piece of paper or various other fine motor things—

Then- just when I’m on the brink of tears, comes an “I love you mommy” or “I want to cwuddle you mommy” or my favorite—“I jus wanna hold you mommy, please!” And all the frustration, anxiety and tension is gone for a little while…

I’m working on letting it go- letting go of that picture of the typically functioning little dark skinned, dark headed, bright eyed boy I see in him—and to embrace WHO he is… he’s just HIM, and he's PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!! I’ve spoken on this before- on the grieving the little boy I thought I’d have… well it’s a process.  It’s one I’m still dealing with- obviously- DUH!! 

I was reminded by another very special momma this weekend that when he’s at baseball—they ALL get it—that’s why they’re there!! To just let him go… to let IT go… let him run, let him be silly, let him soak up all the love that’s on that field for him and special kids like him… no one there is going to judge him- no one there is going to think I’m a bad parent- just relax and let it go!!! She calls it her ‘happy place’—and boy don’t I need one of those?? Don’t we all?? Somewhere we don’t feel judged- where we’re accepted for just being ourselves??

Luckily Monkey Boy has his place- now for mom to figure out how to just take a deep breath, exhale slowly and LET IT GO!! 

What's Your Super Power?? .

Pretty plain and simple tonight folks... take a look at the video/stills and if you can help the agencies working the Boston bombing case PLEASE do so.... be one of those 'cape-less heroes' I want to be able to tell Monkey Boy about... FBI video footage, FBI PDF's .
If you have information, even if you think it's meaningless-- PLEASE contact the FBI at-- https://bostonmarathontips.fbi.gov/

Suspect 1

Suspects 1 and 2

Suspect 2

Thank you!!!!

S~S

What Boston has taught me....

As I watched the events of yesterday’s bombings in Boston unfold I couldn't help but think “How can I protect Monkey boy from all the ugly and bad in the world??”

Truth is…

I can’t…

I can’t protect him from every unpleasant or evil unfortunately; I don’t want to make him ‘scared’ of the world but rather aware.

I can…

However teach him: There ARE good people in the world, even in times of distress. I can teach him how to respond rather than react in times when the bad seems to outweigh the good.  I can instill in him that HE can be light in the darkness that surrounds tragic events like in Boston.  

For Monkey Boy it will be a little more difficult to teach him some of these things because of how his brain is wired.  When he’s ‘excited’ (good or bad) he instantly reacts- it’s what his brain tells his body to do- usually it results in a slap or punch to whoever is closest.  How will I teach him instead to respond, in a calm and thought out method? (I’m still working on that, only time will tell.) 

How do I teach him there ARE good people? Without exposing him to graphic images- I can tell him stories of REAL heroes, who don't wear capes, who selflessly help people who they don't know.  I can teach him to HELP, not to selfishly earn the title of ‘hero’, but just to help; because it’s the right thing to do.  He loves to help and comfort people even at the tender age of five- I can work to build that quality up in him so that he will continue to have the compassion and desire to be helpful, without recognition.  

I could honestly see in 15-20 years if he’s anything like he is now, in a tragedy like Boston, he’d be one going TOWARD the chaos; in part because of his reaction tendencies but also because he IS compassionate.  

What I can do in the meantime as he grows is shield him from the graphic images the media makes all too readily available- I CAN do that- for the most part.  He did happen to see some of the news coverage of Boston when we were out at a restaurant and decided he needed to sit next to me- I was facing the TV, all of which were replaying video from the blasts etc.  He asked what that was, I tried my best to shield him from it and change the subject.  Luckily, we left shortly thereafter and he was distracted and no longer paying attention to the screen. 

While I don’t want him scared of the world around him, I do want him to be aware of dangers that are present… there’s the basic, “Don’t talk to strangers”, “never leave your bag unattended” and stuff like that but I want him to understand that if he does see something ‘off’ to know it’s ok to alert someone who can check on it, be it mom, a police officer or other trusted figure~ to follow his instincts, if he’s uncomfortable with it- make someone else aware. 

Unfortunately, in the world and times we live in he will probably see more tragedies like Newtown, CT and Boston, MA as he grows up.  Hopefully he will only see them via the media- prayerfully I won’t have to worry about him reacting and not responding…

While there are many things I can’t protect him from, I CAN wrap my arms around him tightly, hold him, love him, support him and keep him as safe as possible. 

Remember tonight my lovelies, to kiss your children as they drift off to sleep- hell kiss them a few times before and after they’re asleep, let them know you love them!! Let them be YOUR light in the darkness as we go on with our daily lives in the wake of this most recent tragedy!! 

Swimming....Just keep Swimming

So yesterday Monkey had ‘play therapy’ (to help with all the adjustments he’s endured lately that his little body and mind can’t seem to wrap around) ANYHOW~~

There is a lot of ‘people’ at play therapy—little people—figurines… one has been marked as ‘mommy’, one as “Monkey” and one was “WoWzer” as well as everyone else in our lives… there’s also a sandbox and lots of ‘accessories’ for him to act things out with…

We started out in the ‘dollhouse’ and then in the car and finally we made it across the room to the sandbox which is referred to as ‘the beach’ (we've NEVER been to the beach but Monkey is DYING to go to one) So he starts taking all the figurines to the beach… his counselor looks over at his playing and whispers to me, “They’re all placed face down in the sand” the look of shock and horror made me get up and look into the sandbox—I was met with a “GO sit, Monkey playing!!” so I sat back down and agreed it was a bit spooky.  His counselor told me it was a little unsettling- there was only one figurine that wasn't face down and was in a chair it was “Daddy”… who’s daddy?? I HAVE NO CLUE!!! She kind of laughed when she said it made her think of a serial killer who collected bodies in the backyard… Yeah great way to make me comfortable about living w/him!! J J But it disturbed me as well- especially since I wasn't allowed over there to play.

Eventually mommy, Monkey and WoWzer went home while everyone else stayed face down in the sand at the beach… he did let me help him clean up when it was time to go~~ so I thought that was progress.

After session we were in the car as he enjoyed a Mango Smoothie and some French fries- I asked him “So, Monkey Boy… at Ms. C’s when you were playing with the people at the beach, what were they doing??”

“They was in da water” he replied between slurps of smoothie goodness.

“They were in the water? Were they swimming??” I asked anxiously awaiting the reply.

He looked at me like I was Fifty Shades of CRAZY, “Uh, YEAH- dey swimming” was the smart, sarcastically toned reply I got. 

THANK GOD!! He wasn’t plotting to kill me, just to let me drowned!! I feel much better about that!!

Today I called his counselor to let her know his explanation and she was also relieved…

But got me thinking—how often do we misinterpret things?? In his mind, in his imagination there was water in the box as well as sand—but how were we to know that?? How many times have you seen a child misbehaving in the store and thought it was bad parenting or just a ‘spoiled brat’? Or seen a child wearing a dirty worn shirt and thought their parents don’t care or they were poor?? Or seen a child in a restaurant under the table and thought their parents needed to gain control?? How many things have we misinterpreted??

Without knowing the full story we can only judge and it’s usually negatively—have you ever stopped to consider that misbehaving child is hungry or cold or wet and has no other way to communicate that need—even though they look 6-7 maybe they’re nonverbal and can’t just talk and tell mom what’s up, instead they scream… Or that the child in the dirty shirt refuses to wear anything else~ that maybe that shirt is their security and rather than upset them before an outing, mom lets them wear it—and maybe that little dark headed boy with the big brown eyes is totally overwhelmed by the noise level, smells, and sights in the restaurant and has sought solace under the table- where he’s not disturbing anyone but feels secure….

I suppose my thought for today is unless you know all the facts, don’t judge~~~ it could lead you to be stuck with your head in the sand when you could be swimming…

Hope every one of my pretties has a wonderful weekend!!

S~S

Where ARE my Keys???

Good afternoon my dearies!!!

I have missed talking with you- hopefully you've missed me too!! 

A LOT going on lately-- we moved... Monkey boy and I have moved into our own little home- WoWzer is living in his own space now too... so far I think it will help our sibling relationship.  I LOVE our new duplex... I think it's the nicest place I've ever lived in, and that's no lie!! Hopefully the Monkey isn't too loud and disturb the family next door!!

So anyhow I saw a quote today "Do not put the keys to your happiness in someone else's pocket~~Rather, keep them in your own." I don't know who said it originally or even have a name to credit for seeing it, it was one of those random internet things you see on occasion... ya know?? But it felt profound to me!! A reminder that true happiness comes from within- not from someone or something else.

All to often we place our sense of happiness and self worth on someone else's key-ring   Should we really burden them with that?? They may not even realize we've done that~ and then inevitably they will let us down.  They don't mean to, they just don't know they're carrying our keys on their key-ring and some folks end up carrying a LOT of keys. 

Think about the building manager who has a TON of keys on their ring for all the offices, store rooms, bathrooms etc (before locks were all electronic- and one card does it all) He had a key for all of those locks, imagine how heavy that ring is and if he lost one- someone would eventually be upset, right??

Giving the key to your happiness and self worth to someone else, anyone else is like making them the building manager of you~ this is true if they're your children, your spouse, your parents, co-workers who ever you've handed your key off too.  They're human and often times have let someone else carry their key as well... 

To be truly happy we need to take responsibility for our own set of keys- the key to our happiness should be kept locked in a pocket close to our heart~ so we are the only one with access too it- not saying that things others do can't make us happy- but it's a momentary happiness, not a deep seeded happiness... that comes from knowing we control our happy.

For example, I place a lot of my 'happiness' on Monkey Boy's key-ring so when he lets me down and I'm sad, that's not his fault-- it's MINE... I should keep that close to my heart- not expect him to provide my happiness or feeling of completion ~~ just as he shouldn't expect mom to carry his keys for him- he's nearly five, dude needs to learn to carry his own key! 

I mean seriously, you know who else carries a lot of keys (again before one card does it all) a jailer-- do we want to be enslaved to one person who carries our keys for us?? 

I know it's not really a profound post today- I'm tired and it's been a while- so prolific might not be in the cards for today, give me a little while to get back in the swing of writing and we'll get into some deeeeeep stuff.

But it is something to consider... I know a few folks I need to give their keys back to and a few people I need to have my hand out to asking for mine back!! 

I plan on keeping the keys to my happiness where they belong~ with me!! 

I'll be back soon my pretties!!! 

~SS~