Roll With It

Let me preface this with a disclaimer-- I wouldn't change this little stinker~~~ what needs changing is how momma here handles some of the stress that comes with parenting Monkey Boy...

So Saturday we had game two of Monkey Boy’s extraordinary baseball team… of course he ran—and ran—and ran some more… not when he was supposed to or to where he was supposed to go but just randomly all over the field… Stopping on occasion to throw a ball to someone, to give someone a high five or his favorite game ~ smack mom on the butt— And I’m not going to lie—it made me anxious. 

Anxious someone would comment on the wild little boy running all over—the little boy who couldn't listen, who couldn't be still… That someone would comment on my apparent lack of parenting skills and how he just needs boundaries and discipline…

I suppose I’m still stuck a mindset of ‘mainstream’ and how I’m supposed to help him ‘fit into that mold’ although I KNOW he’s never going to just ‘fit in’, I subconsciously keep expecting any day it’ll happen- it’ll click in his little oddly wired brain and he’ll ‘get it’… but at the end of the day I’m left exasperated, worn out, exhausted, pooped and plain old disappointed… WHY???

Because I can’t just “LET IT GO”!!!

You’d think after five years, I’d have this down, but sometimes I forget when I look into those big brown eyes while he’s doing something SO typical of a 4/5 year old (since he’s a new five I will cut some slack there), I forget how we struggle to keep our little body in sync so we can just make it through the day.  I forget how we can memorize an entire movie script but we can’t remember that the stove is hot… I forget that we can’t process things as quickly and we repeat- sometimes we repeat, repeat, repeat until mom is blue in the face and frustrated- I forget our little body just doesn't always do the things we want it to and it’s hard to figure out how to catch a ball,  cut a piece of paper or various other fine motor things—

Then- just when I’m on the brink of tears, comes an “I love you mommy” or “I want to cwuddle you mommy” or my favorite—“I jus wanna hold you mommy, please!” And all the frustration, anxiety and tension is gone for a little while…

I’m working on letting it go- letting go of that picture of the typically functioning little dark skinned, dark headed, bright eyed boy I see in him—and to embrace WHO he is… he’s just HIM, and he's PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!! I’ve spoken on this before- on the grieving the little boy I thought I’d have… well it’s a process.  It’s one I’m still dealing with- obviously- DUH!! 

I was reminded by another very special momma this weekend that when he’s at baseball—they ALL get it—that’s why they’re there!! To just let him go… to let IT go… let him run, let him be silly, let him soak up all the love that’s on that field for him and special kids like him… no one there is going to judge him- no one there is going to think I’m a bad parent- just relax and let it go!!! She calls it her ‘happy place’—and boy don’t I need one of those?? Don’t we all?? Somewhere we don’t feel judged- where we’re accepted for just being ourselves??

Luckily Monkey Boy has his place- now for mom to figure out how to just take a deep breath, exhale slowly and LET IT GO!!