Strong, Firm and Steadfast....

I've mentioned before that I've struggled the last few years with my faith... I've questioned things I was taught as a child, I've questioned things I once believed in.  I've never doubted there was a "higher being", I had just lost faith as to what/who/where that was... and how was I to connect to it??  I've looked into alternative religion, different practices than I had grown up with, trying to find answers.  I tried to escape the idea entirely even- I hadn't taken Monkey to a house of worship (of any kind) since he was a year old, he's been a couple times but not with me- I let friends take him if he was with a sitter, etc... I never said No.

I get frustrated and scoff when I see those who say they are Christians saying hurtful things to and about some of my friends because of the life they have chosen- how could the God I knew who taught us to love one another condone hating someone for their choices??

I get frustrated and question things when my own son struggles to be 'normal' because of something neither he nor I had done, but instead he was victim to a cruel twist of fate- and when I see an innocent child lose their life because of the same virus that left Monkey relatively 'normal' in comparison to many... how could a god of love do that??

Then in the quest to find myself I kept coming back to the idea, the feeling that something in my life was missing.  It was a relationship... NO, not that kind (to the chagrin of some of my co-workers... sorry girls that's NOT what I'm talking about) rather something so much deeper.  I'm talking about a relationship so close, so intense, so intimate that all others pale in comparison.

One thing that held me back was my excuse, "I don't think Monkey Boy can handle it.", "I don't want him acting out..." "Sunday is the only day we really stay home, I need that day to rest"  The list of excuses goes on and on and on.... Kind of like Monkey when he's wound up!

Then one day I found out that a LARGE church in the area had a special needs Sunday school class and that many of his friends from Baseball attended... it also happened to be a church that keeps popping up via various friends and colleagues of mine.

One special person (Monkey's sweet coach from baseball) and I started talking about it- and she invited me to come one Sunday, in a way that led me more to feel like I was making the decision rather than like she was asking me to come, then I discovered another dear friend of mine from a previous job worked in the room Monkey would be in for Sunday School... someone who KNOWS his issues and has known him since he was born.  So I put my excuses away and thought why not give it a try??  Oh yeah, there was the issue of my crowd anxiety.

So the fateful morning arrived (today) and I got up, got ready and put on a brave face- luckily Monkey seemed happy with going so it was all me holding myself back.... but I'm so glad that we went.  SO SO SO glad.  He apparently did quite well- I'm told he listened and behaved in class... and well ME I did get a little nauseated and wanted to run for the parking lot when I first walked in and saw the crowd, and boy oh boy, was it a huge one... but Coach found us a spot near the door on the end of an aisle so I could go to Monkey if he needed me, or I could flee if I needed to...

Instead, I focused on the purpose I was there for, to hopefully fill that empty place in my heart again... ( I didn't flee! I didn't turn away) and I left feeling a little bit more at ease.

I'm not saying all my questions have been answered after just one Sunday, but little by little these past few weeks my faith is feels like it's being restored, piece by piece... people are being placed in my life at just the right place, just the right time and things are moving around me that make me see maybe this IS what I've been missing.

I'm always so quick to do things that make Monkey or WoWzers lives easier and better that I've not listened to my own heart in a LONG time.  My decisions have been based on what is best for them- but lately I've learned I am worthy of feeling whole again- I am worthy of feeling a love so deep nothing can compare, just I am worthy in general.

This is just a step forward in my journey to feeling that completeness- along with being able to love myself where I am, and accepting who a am in the moment- and remembering I'm much more than just "Monkey Boy's mom and WoWzers sister"... but, it's a step I'm glad I have taken.  (knowing Monkey was happy and had fun took a weight off my shoulders as well) I'm looking forward to next week and going back... who knows maybe I will eventually get over my crowd phobia but that's a WHOLE other post!!!!

Love to all!!!! s~s