The Aftermath... not After the Math (because that would be depressing, I hate math!)

HELLO my darlings!!! Missed me lately??  

It's been a while since I took the time to sit down and write- I've been busy traveling for work and then getting back to 'normal' after that... Although not sure how I manage to do that since there was no 'normal' before I was gone so much.  But, I always say there is no such thing as normal-- only varying degrees of insanity!  That I can do! 

 OK- so ANYHOW a few weeks ago I wrote about Breaking The Mold- taking charge of how I feel about MYSELF and not letting society dictate how I should feel, look, act...etc.  Wanted to take a minute and update everyone one that- it's actually WORKING!!!!!

Since deciding to relinquish the confines of society's expectations~~~ 

I've come to like myself more, take better care of myself and feel better about ME and who I am.  I've been taking advantage of having an amazing support system with the Monkey Boy and taking time to get my nails done, get my hair done and occasionally take some down time, just for ME.  I'm less stressed, less blah and actually less 'tired'.  I've started doing things that make ME happy again... being selfish for just a few hours a week (But NOT causing Monkey Boy to sacrifice at all)-- ALL because I decided to change how I looked at, thought of and felt about myself.  I'm taking time to realize I'm more than just Monkey Boy's momma- I'm My own person, who DESERVES to feel good about HERSELF.

I figured with a milestone birthday coming up (YES, I will be 21 AGAIN!!! Thanks for asking!)  I didn't want to face another decade feeling so down on myself- because at the end of the day it's my opinion that actually dictates how others feel about me.  If I possess a negative attitude about myself, my body, my position in life at this time- then others will follow suit- and that is NOT what I'm looking to put out in the universe.  

I can't lie I've had a BAD attitude about myself for a long time- actually my attitude has just been bad about  a lot of  things (no need to make a list here)-- but since I've been learning to Roll With It and Breaking The Mold I'm learning to be a lot more positive.  I had no idea how my self image and my hang ups about it were affecting my life as a whole-- until I started changing the way I think. 

Breaking the chains of constantly trying to measure up to someone else's expectations has been AMAZING... Just wish it hadn't taken as long as it has 'ahem... it's only be 21 years.  (you DO believe that right??) 

 It's not been a quick and easy thing to do- I still look in the mirror sometimes and go 'meh'... but I'm trying daily to find at least ONE positive thing and focus on that... Someday's, I'm still caught off guard at times by something in the media that makes me feel inferior, then I politely say "Fuck it, that's not who I am or who I'll ever be"- and I go back to celebrating my uniqueness.  

I'm trying to let go of the old 'expectations' of how someone of my age and position in life (the single mother of a very special needs little guy in a professional career) is supposed to act and feel and instead decide for myself-- if I want to be silly, I'll act silly, if I don't want to "act my age", so be it~~ AND I'm LEARNING to take chances- although I'm STILL not very good at that- I get all tangled up inside and then I start to go thru the 'what if's' and it takes a downward spiral straight to "Hell in a Hand-basket" - but I don't want to be at the end of my life and regret not taking a risk ~~~ So it's a learning process. 

If I can wish and hope anything for anyone else it's that each of you have the same freedom from your negative thoughts and connotations about yourself- that you discover how amazing  YOU are just as you are- how NO ONE has the ability to define you but  YOU.

I promise to check in sooner and update y'all on the progress! I'd LOVE to hear what some of you have done recently to break free from the chains of others expectations~~ and how you felt about it!! 

Love to all!!

S~S 

Breaking the Mold...

A couple weeks ago I posted about how I have trouble ‘Rolling With It’ when it comes to Monkey Boy and the mainstream vs. Monkey Boy ideals… It’s bothered me for a while now as to WHY I really give two mouse farts as to what others think about him, me or how I handle things with him- then it dawned on me- I’m like that about EVERYTHING…

SO, WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE??

Because it’s been ingrained into me from childhood that it matters what society thinks!! I've been told that there’s this general idea of how I’m supposed to look, act, behave, raise my child, love and live for nearly FORTY years now… well it’s time I break that damn mold!!! 

I've never been one who REALLY wanted to conform, I always wanted to be ME— I've never truly fit into society's perfect little package—but I’d be damned if I didn't die trying because well, it's what you do... 

Let’s start with my HORRIFIC BODY IMAGE ISSUES-- I've tried and subsequently failed at every fad diet in the book because I have been told from a young age (starting about age 9-10); “You’d be so pretty if you’d just lose the weight”, “No one wants to be with a big girl”, “You’ll never have babies if you’re fat!”, “You look unhealthy- don’t you want to look healthy??” and my fave the simple “ You've got such a pretty face…” (Queue crickets chirping) Wow, really Grandma??  

Now at that stage of my life I wasn't even 'big' just thicker than what I was 'supposed' to be by industry standards, I danced in High School- Looking back, I was pretty darn cute! But never felt cute because I wasn't 'skinny'... 

1988- ME!!

The awe inspiring, confidence building comments only got better as I got older and tried to ‘become what was acceptable’ in the weight department- Not only did these comments destroy my inner confidence but they also shaped how I look at others - which is an awful thing- and so not fair, to me or to ‘others’!!

I put SO MUCH energy into trying to SQUEEZE into that mold that was set up for me back in 1973, that I didn't have energy for other things, I was too busy counting calories or figuring out if I walked this long on the treadmill how many calories that burned, etc. —I have been a slave to the scale and to the nagging voice in the back of my head (usually sounded like my mother honestly) saying “don’t eat that- you’ll regret it in the morning when you get on the scale!!” Then eating anyway just to 'show her I could do what the hell I wanted!'

The feelings of shame and failure didn’t help either- “What happened? You had lost all that weight and now it’s back…” (Said by an ‘authority figure’ I used to work under—who has never experienced being ‘the fat girl’)  WHO SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE??? Really???  Oh and THANKS for pointing it out, because I didn't notice when my ‘fat jeans’ became my ‘OMG these are too tight’ jeans???? 

Granted over the last six years I have gained a considerable amount of weight (how much is between me and myself) but do people really think they’re helping bolster any one’s self confidence when they make comments like that to people—and why should they care??  Especially when they haven't experienced what I have- what's brought me to this stage of my life? Are THEY so bent by the media they only see numbers on a scale and not who a person is beyond that?? 

I don't want to blame it all on the media but seems like just when we get a role model we (as bigger girls) can relate to they’re suddenly the next Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig ‘spokes model’... 

Jennifer Hudson

When the media tells us we are supposed to look like Jenny McCarthy not Melissa McCarthy.  (Who is absolutely BEAUTIFUL and funny to boot!)  It's hard not to be made to feel like you're not amazing because you're 'bigger'...

Melissa McCarthy/Jenny McCarthy

Recently I found another blogger The Militant Baker who I have just fallen in love with!! The more I read, the more I want desperately to adapt to her self-view… she’s OK with being WHO SHE IS - LIKE SHE IS… she doesn't give a rats ass what others think.  There was one particular post that was linked from a friends Facebook page—Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls...  can’t lie, I cried reading it!! I totally bawled!! I mean sobbed like a little girl…

So for today I’m going to end here—my head is about to explode with all the emotions and thoughts floating around in it- I’ll tackle the rest of the list of ‘what I’m supposed to be’ tomorrow or the next day… when we’ll look at how I’m apparently supposed to love, live and raise my child!!! Boy doesn't that sound fun?? I know I'm looking forward to it! YYEEEKKK!!! 

For now I’m going to work on liking ME- BIG, FLUFFY, ME!!! I’m going to find the things I LOVE about myself- PHYSICALLY not just ‘on the inside’ and flaunt them… I'm going to TRY to start dressing like I want, instead of hiding in sweat shirts and hockey jersey's because I'm afraid someone will judge me for wearing short skirts and sleeveless tops since I'm NOT 'little'. I'm going to  try to stop gagging when I go shopping and look for the positives instead!! I'm going to embrace the goddess with curves and even rolls that lies beneath layers of cardigans and big T-shirts. (Ok the cardigans may have to linger because it's cold as the north pole in my office! But they'll only be for warmth!) 

Now, it’s NOT—I REPEAT NOT going to happen overnight I mean I have 40 years to chip away at here folks but I’m going to break this cycle of hating my ‘self’ because I’m not what society has dictated I be- NO I’m NOT, I’m ME!!! 



I'm Simply Shonda!!! 

The Day of the Danseur

Sorry for being absent my darlings- sometimes this life thing gets in the way of what I want to do... dammit, I don't like that but it happens.  However, I have not forgotten you~~ I hope you haven't forgotten me!!!

Sometimes taking your kid to the doctor is quite like taking your car to the mechanic, the problem you're being seen for isn't replicated even in the slightest when someone is looking at it-- Monkey's last visit to the Lower Extremity specialist felt like a waste of the cute doctors time... Monkey didn't even attempt to toe-walk while we were there... Dr McCutie thinks it's habitual-- the Monk pretty much proved that when we got home,  he started to go up on his toes and he told me "no walking on you toes 'Monkey'... off you toes!"  So yeah I think it's a habit.  His uncle WoWzer bought him a new pair of fancy sneakers this weekend in an attempt to discourage it- yeah... didn't help really, now he can pretty much get into a pointe stance in those! I guess I could have a danseur noble on my hands, it could be much, much worse!!! 

Mikal Burisnikov

In other good news-- I'm signing the lease officially to the new digs on the fourteenth.  My own personal Valentine's Day for me and Monkey! I'm so excited... When I can get in and get pics of the awesome new kitchen, I will throw them up here.  Between the location, so close to Monkey's school and the kitchen, dare I say I've found my utopia?? 

Remember the day I took Monkey to the doctor I told you all I had learned a lot and wanted to share?? No-- ok lets review that day... The Day I took Monkey to the Dr..., caught up?? Yes? Awesome!! Ok so I've talked about learning to see yourself  from the 'other side' of the two way mirror in past posts- and how it can really make you feel differently about yourself~~ so my next challenge to myself was to start seeing OTHERS through the opposite side of their mirrors.  WHOA!!! Mind blown!! It started the other day when I was coming into the building that houses my part time home (my office), I saw a lady who by today's societal standards was not particularly attractive.  Not being cruel only stating fact, she was a very large woman- (this coming from a big girl, keep that in mind) but she was smiling, she was struggling to walk a decent pace because she was so fluffy but yet she was smiling.   So as I walked past her I looked through the other side of her mirror- and what do you know? She was beautiful... her smile out-shined the size of the dress she wore- knowing that to someone, somewhere she is the most beautiful, loving creature they can imagine- made ME, a total stranger- see her differently.  Her smile was also contagious- as I ran hastily into the office after stopping to admire it for a minute, I realized I felt lighter- like some bit of my self judgement had been lifted by our brief momentary encounter.  Did she even notice me? I don't know- Did she have a clue about the impact she had on my day- I can say with out hesitation, no- she had NO idea.  

Now, imagine with me if you will-- aww come on, indulge me for a minute?? Thank YOU!! Imagine if we did that with everyone we met~ instead of looking at them the way society has conditioned us to view them-- old, fat, ugly, hateful, lazy, freaky,  (insert your word of choice here)... what if we looked at them through the other side of their mirrors??? I'm trying to do that with every encounter I have and not gonna lie for some it's a challenge- mostly the ones who aren't unattractive but rather have attitude problems... however after a few minutes I can manage to make it happen and my interaction with them changes, I soften up and have more compassion for them and whatever it is they're going through. 

My new challenge to myself and to YOU is to find someone you personally know but don't like- maybe it's a grumpy old neighbor, or a weird co-worker, that girl at the grocery check out that's always hateful and short... stop for a minute and see them as someone who loves them sees them... let me know if it doesn't change your perspective on things.
Totally NOT a Taylor Swift fan but gotta say the kid nailed it on this one... 

Have a wonderful day reflecting my beauties!!! 
S~S

Part Duex...

While I'm all on the 'self love' kick (NO NOT THAT!!! Geez!) I wanted to share an excerpt from my 'vintage' blog... Respect Yourself... this is from May 2007...

Respect yourself and the world will follow...

Many women ask themselves the same questions, about men. They're questions that have been asked for generations, they're not new to my generation… although I think we're asking a lot more questions- we discuss things a lot more than our mom's and grandmothers did…  Have you ever wondered why: he lied, he didn't call when he said he would, he doesn't support his babies, he ignores you, he expects you to cater to him, he uses you for his booty call when 'wifey' don't want to- or maybe when she's just not around, he beats you-but buys you Gucci to make up for it, cheats on you- then swears he won't do it again~~ or until the next easy piece walks by… makes all kinds of promises and plans with you~ only to break them~ time and time again… and I'm not talking about promising to take you shopping, I'm talking LIFE promises… Lets' take a look at this shall we ladies?? Now, you might wanna get your steel toed Timberland's on cause I'm sure I'm gonna step on some toes- MY own included… I'm sure I'll offend many~ even some men who might actually read this… but it's something that needs to be addressed, it's not discussed enough.

 

WHY do we allow this to happen to us?? Let me tell you sisters~~ we lack the self respect necessary to stop it!!! Women who respect themselves first and foremost do NOT let men treat them this way; they don't allow anyone to abuse, use or mistreat them.  What has happened to us respecting ourselves?? I know it's not all our fault right?? Society has conditioned us to do what we have to do to hold on to a man… from dressing a certain way, behaving a certain way, even giving up our own identities.  In the mean time, we've lost our self respect- and the respect of the very men we were trying to impress and keep a hold of. 

Do you really want a man in your life that just wants you for sex? Do you honestly want a man in your life that doesn't want to help you support the children he so willingly helped you create? And why would you want to stay with a man who abused you- no matter HOW much you loved him?? Why would a self respecting woman want a man who was a two timing womanizer? Now girls I am asking myself some of these questions just as much as I am asking any one of you out there—

Come on… WE do deserve better… and YES there IS better out there… there ARE good men.  There ARE men who want to treat a woman like a princess… BUT, first and foremost we have to believe we deserve to be treated as such!!! We have to RESPECT OURSELVES before we'll ever find that man… a good, self respecting man doesn't want a woman who is willing to just throw herself out there… they want a woman who's graceful in her behavior, strong willed, intelligent, loving, gentle, industrious, knows how to handle herself in time of need, can be his partner and his confidant and one who exudes confidence and self respect!!!

While I'm on that subject- a real man, one who wants to treat a SELF RESPECTING woman like she should be treated doesn't want a woman who's willing to post pictures of herself (to borrow from a friend)  'all protruding out there' and brag about her sexual conquests and her other degrading habits… why display yourself like that?? A self respecting woman knows the difference between sexual and sensual… she knows there are lines that really don't need to be crossed (in public)~~ There are some HOT self respecting women out there- who know how to attract a man w/out flaunting all their goodies all over the place… that is class and sophistication~~
 

Now with that said… I would love to see my generation be the one who teaches the younger girls about respecting ourselves again… taking a stand- I don't mean being a BITCH~ I mean not letting men use us, abuse us, hurt us for no reason other than we allow it… we need to learn it's ok to have confidence and be proud of who we are—it doesn't matter if we're Black, White, Latino, Asian, Mixed… we all deserve to be treated with the same amount of respect … but it all starts with US…  So if you're tired of being mistreated, quit bitching about it… start respecting YOU first and you'll start seeing changes in the way others treat you… 

Ice Ice Baby.... WAY to Damn Cold!

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!! Finally it's FRIDAY, it' FRIDAY... no, this isn't an homage to Rebecca Black... I'm just glad it's the weekend- I've got some boxes to pack, it's going to snow more and I don't have anywhere I HAVE to go so it can snow all it wants until Sunday afternoon-- then it needs to melt so I can get my week started off on a good, less slippery note.  

Speaking of a good note, I got a call from one of the most precious people last night- she's the director of a program here on campus and an amazing educator. She's invited me to speak to one of her classes Monday night about my journey with Monkey- what was so awesome about this phone call was how things unfolded~ we ended up talking about some things I have been working through personally- she had no way of knowing these things and yet she called me just as I was dealing with them... I've learned when we let it, the universe has a way of placing the right people in the right place just when we need them-- BUT we have to be open to it... 

We also have to be open to loving and accepting ourselves-- right where we are-- not who we were 15 years ago or who we envision being in 5 years- but who we are at this VERY moment in our lives.  We all have this 'ideal-self', this pre-conceived notion of our 'best'.  While it's great to have a goal for ourselves, we can't love only that 'picture perfect self'.  We have to learn to love ourselves at the moment- if we don't love who we are RIGHT NOW- we can't become that ideal self~ those negative vibes will continue to hold us back.

Chances are the 'self' we see and loathe isn't the 'self' others see- as a general rule we are harder on ourselves than any one outside of us is going to be... It's like a two way mirror-- when we look in it, we see our flaws, our failures, that extra 15 pounds we can't seem to lose.  When others look at us through the mirror on other side they see our strengths, our beauty, our talents- they don't notice the scars and crows feet- instead they see courage and beautiful smiles.  

I know personally how hard it is to love yourself in the NOW- when I think of my optimum self it's five years ago, in fact only days before Monkey was born- I was thinner, vibrant, a little cocky and had the world by it's coat tails... I don't see myself that way anymore- but that doesn't mean I can't love ME right now~ as hard as it may be when I look in the mirror, I have to try to see me as others do.  

A cute story to bring it all home when "Brave" came out my hair was long and curly- quite like Merida's... the first time Monkey saw a preview for the movie he exclaimed "Dats mommy!! Mommy dats you!!!" I snickered because my mother had also said Merida reminded her of me when I was younger- strong, rebellious, didn't conform, etc.  (Even the way she wipes her face on her sleeve in one scene)  Monkey tells anyone who will listen that Merida and mommy are the same person... so when I cut my hair shorter than shoulder length one day on a whim I expected the comparison to stop- to me it was a visual comparison of my wild red-hair.   However, months later he STILL insists that it's Mommy in the movie- Why is that?? Because it's not a visual comparison, in his mind I AM Merida, he sees me as his 'hero', the stubborn willing to fight for what she believes in, Scottish Princess.  When I look in the mirror I see the chubby, buxom hand maiden, Maudie-- but Monkey will tell me... "NOOO dats not you-- THAT'S YOU!!" while pointing to Merida.  He is looking through the mirror from the other side.  

In order to truly love ourselves we need to look through the other side of the mirror.  So my darlings, I'm challenging you to do just that-- take a long hard look in the mirror, but instead of whining about what you see, think or feel--be BRAVE enough to view yourself as a loved one does, through the other side~~

Enjoy your cold weekend my lovelies!!! 
S~S