I'm BBAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK

A few years ago I sat down and decided I wanted to blog; I thought "Oh, this will be fun and I'll be able to vent, educate and share." Then I got busy with life and haven't been on here in YEARS... I was quite surprised to find this was even still here...

So much has happened since I last posted here in 2014.... We got a service dog (Nyx), I got a minivan, I left my job in the public sector to be a full time momma, Monkey Boy was diagnosed with Autism, we went to the beach, I bought a house, Monkey Boy got a feeding tube, I bought another minivan, Monkey Boy was on life support and subsequently hospitalized six times after that for various reasons, one of my 150+ year old Cherry trees was struck by lightening and exploded- causing quite a bit of damage to my house... we went to Gatlinburg and camp over the summer.  Due to Monkey Boy's health issues and the house incident I have been dealing with PTSD for the last 12 months.  Shew... that was a lot of stuff in three and a half years!!  

Anyhow, some of my friends have started blogging and got me thinking about how much I missed writing on a larger platform (other than my personal Facebook page) so I pulled out the old laptop and decided to start this blog up again.

Now, what to talk about?? 

In the past I've talked about Monkey Boy and his disorders and disabilities... I've provided resources for more information on those-- well, I don't really have it in me to constantly be the 'resource momma' anymore, it's one reason I left my job in the public sector plus, there are so many amazing blogs and Facebook pages from other Autism and special needs parents that I don't think there needs to be ONE more of them- much less from me. 

I don't want to pigeonhole myself into one type of blog entry because I'm as likely to want to talk one day about loving yourself where you are at forty (yeah, I did that!) then the next I want to ramble about how I covered one of Monkey Boy's treasure trunks with old maps.  

So bear with me as I try to get my blogging groove back on... in the meantime, leave me a note and let me know what you want to hear about... Keep in mind I don't talk politics or religion-- so those two are out-- but anything else is fair game!! 

I will see you soon!!!

Lots of love and peace!!
~~S. S.~~ 

Subtle reminders.....

I began this post back in October obviously never posted it.... but was reminded of these things again this week...

Sorry it's been a while since I posted anything- just have been quite busy- and can't seem to put two cohesive sentences together lately.  So I'm going to try again...

I was thinking the other day the whole reason I started this blog back in January 2013 was to help me process some of the things I experience as a special needs parent.  I've used this platform for many different things over the year and a few months, to explain some of Monkey Boy's issues, to explore the concept of self love and being body positive.  But I really started it to just work through some 'issues'-- today I find myself back at that place, where I need to work through some emotions. 

October 2013....

This weekend I was subtly reminded what my life is... what it means to be me and Monkey... 

Bubby and I (along with WoWzer) went on a play-date this weekend- really our first ever- being Monkey we've never really been invited on play dates b/c well mom has this self imposed "isolation" issue-- I worry so much about how he'll act, and what if he does this etc... Yes I worry too much about the way the general public will react when he's 'in a mood' (I'm talking about Monkey here not WoWzer- although sometimes I worry about him as well) Anyhow-- this family we were with understands us- from a personal and professional standpoint.  Honestly, it's Monkey's best buddy from school and his awesome family-- SO we were at a local "Apple Picking" establishment that has a play area for the kiddos and Monkey saw the little pedal tractors-- something along the lines of this sweet mini- beauty...

He was desperate to ride it- he was so excited when one became available-- only he couldn't ride it.  As hard as he tried, he couldn't pedal the little tractor to make it move.  Normally I would've just pushed him from behind to help him get some momentum and let him pick up on the pedaling from that initial shove.  In fact I did that a time or two and he'd get a couple inches and have to pedal on his own- he just couldn't get it, no matter how much energy he put into it.  There were other kids coming into the play area, some older than him, at least bigger physically and they were whizzing by him pedaling a mile a minute- and here he was stuck in the middle of the traffic like he had just run out of gas on the interstate.  I couldn't follow him around the little track for dodging all the 'pedal- able' children.  But then I noticed some of them started looking at him like "Well Farmer Joe you gonna move that damn thing or just park it in the middle of the road??" He was busy watching them... trying to imitate how they made their little tractors move- I watched his face as he was so determined to go, just a few feet on his own.  I think he would've felt like he'd moved it a mile!! It was just a feat he could not accomplish and it broke my heart to stand there and watch, so I convinced him there was something wrong with this particular tractor and we'd come back later when others were available to try another tractor-- relying on his inability to realize when mom was bullshitting him, or trying to make him feel better.

However it just reminded me of how he will continue to struggle in life- as much as he's changed, adapted, accommodated and grown-- he will always have struggles that most do not endure.  Granted he is blessed and he's one of the 'lucky ones' he IS able to run, jump, climb, kick, skip (kind of), hop and do all those things, he's still not 'typical' and not for lack of  trying on his part obviously.

Luckily we went on to play, laugh and pick pumpkins... with those special friends we really couldn't do with out...

Skip ahead to April 2014.... I had all but forgotten the tractor incident (and I'm sure he has filed it under 'One of the Best Days EVER' in his brain) then he bounded into the house from a trip to the park w/Ms. K the other day.  First thing he says-- OK second after, "LOOK K... Mommy's HOME!!!"

Was an immediate... "I wanna bike, PLEASE mommy, I wanna bike!!!!" my heart froze he had hit it w/a jolt- I flashed back to the tractor and all the kids staring at him and getting frustrated because the 'normal looking' kid couldn't pedal the tractor-- I could just envision kids making fun of him because he was stuck and couldn't move a bike.  

We've tried several different ones in the store previously- because momma wants him to have one- I want him to have everything typical kids have, but I want him to feel successful as well. It's not my goal to set him up to fail, in NO WAY is that what my heart wants, heaven knows life will give him plenty of chances to fail just by living it- I just want him to look back and feel like he had a somewhat typical childhood~~ however, even the small bikes- were too much for him to pedal. I know there are adaptive bikes and I've looked at those online, they're in the hundreds to thousands of dollars range and right now with raising money to get him to his training for his service dog... I can't extend myself on one of  those... so I'm going to be looking again for a little bike to let him try to learn on-- and then once he does I'm going to be worried he'll run off on it...

So many of my friends are in this position where our kids have all faced enormous odds (much more than riding a bike) and met those challenges  head on, coming out on the other side with a huge mark in the WIN column- and that's what keeps us all held together-- focusing on the WINS the VICTORIES and not the defeats.  So many of my special needs momma's (and daddy's) can sadly relate too, to those small defeats that bring us to tears when we think of them- and when we think in that moment what it means for our children.

However in reality it may be a 'failure' for that minute- but in the scheme of things it was just a detour...

It's human nature to see, feel, experience the here and now, and not always be able to move past it in the moment and see the future-- sometimes it's because what lies ahead isn't pretty, it's ugly, it's sad, it's heartbreaking and devastating... Others it's just too damned hard to see the rainbow on the other side of the huge storm that's clouding up our view.
 But somewhere there's usually some silver glistening between the lightening strikes and the thunder claps-- we just have to keep looking for it.  It's only when we give up that we face true failure, it's when we listen to others tell us we can't do things or when we compare our uncut version to someone else's highlight reel... that we start to face failure.  Instead we need to pick up, dust off and get back on and TRY AGAIN!!

For me the glitter in the gray cloud shines when I think that despite every stumbling block he's faced my Monkey Boy still wants to try harder... he wants to conquer what he's not been 'able to do' in the past and just be like most other 6 year olds... he WANTS a bike.  Guess I'm off to look for a bike to get him started on-- I know I'll turn into a big blubbery mess when he gets it- with tears of sadness, watching him struggle to do what comes naturally to most children at a much younger age and yet tears of joy because he will NOT give up- and he will be excited just for the chance to TRY!

It's that amazing spirit of his that keeps me going frequently... his "I'm AWESOME and I ROCK!!!" (direct quote, btw) attitude that drives him daily to keep conquering and gives him more WINS on his score sheet than defeats...

I challenge you to find what drives you- what makes you determined to keep pedaling- to not give up, to see beyond the clouds and find the silver lining... whatever it is, hold on to it, don't let go and don't stop pedaling!!!

Strong, Firm and Steadfast....

I've mentioned before that I've struggled the last few years with my faith... I've questioned things I was taught as a child, I've questioned things I once believed in.  I've never doubted there was a "higher being", I had just lost faith as to what/who/where that was... and how was I to connect to it??  I've looked into alternative religion, different practices than I had grown up with, trying to find answers.  I tried to escape the idea entirely even- I hadn't taken Monkey to a house of worship (of any kind) since he was a year old, he's been a couple times but not with me- I let friends take him if he was with a sitter, etc... I never said No.

I get frustrated and scoff when I see those who say they are Christians saying hurtful things to and about some of my friends because of the life they have chosen- how could the God I knew who taught us to love one another condone hating someone for their choices??

I get frustrated and question things when my own son struggles to be 'normal' because of something neither he nor I had done, but instead he was victim to a cruel twist of fate- and when I see an innocent child lose their life because of the same virus that left Monkey relatively 'normal' in comparison to many... how could a god of love do that??

Then in the quest to find myself I kept coming back to the idea, the feeling that something in my life was missing.  It was a relationship... NO, not that kind (to the chagrin of some of my co-workers... sorry girls that's NOT what I'm talking about) rather something so much deeper.  I'm talking about a relationship so close, so intense, so intimate that all others pale in comparison.

One thing that held me back was my excuse, "I don't think Monkey Boy can handle it.", "I don't want him acting out..." "Sunday is the only day we really stay home, I need that day to rest"  The list of excuses goes on and on and on.... Kind of like Monkey when he's wound up!

Then one day I found out that a LARGE church in the area had a special needs Sunday school class and that many of his friends from Baseball attended... it also happened to be a church that keeps popping up via various friends and colleagues of mine.

One special person (Monkey's sweet coach from baseball) and I started talking about it- and she invited me to come one Sunday, in a way that led me more to feel like I was making the decision rather than like she was asking me to come, then I discovered another dear friend of mine from a previous job worked in the room Monkey would be in for Sunday School... someone who KNOWS his issues and has known him since he was born.  So I put my excuses away and thought why not give it a try??  Oh yeah, there was the issue of my crowd anxiety.

So the fateful morning arrived (today) and I got up, got ready and put on a brave face- luckily Monkey seemed happy with going so it was all me holding myself back.... but I'm so glad that we went.  SO SO SO glad.  He apparently did quite well- I'm told he listened and behaved in class... and well ME I did get a little nauseated and wanted to run for the parking lot when I first walked in and saw the crowd, and boy oh boy, was it a huge one... but Coach found us a spot near the door on the end of an aisle so I could go to Monkey if he needed me, or I could flee if I needed to...

Instead, I focused on the purpose I was there for, to hopefully fill that empty place in my heart again... ( I didn't flee! I didn't turn away) and I left feeling a little bit more at ease.

I'm not saying all my questions have been answered after just one Sunday, but little by little these past few weeks my faith is feels like it's being restored, piece by piece... people are being placed in my life at just the right place, just the right time and things are moving around me that make me see maybe this IS what I've been missing.

I'm always so quick to do things that make Monkey or WoWzers lives easier and better that I've not listened to my own heart in a LONG time.  My decisions have been based on what is best for them- but lately I've learned I am worthy of feeling whole again- I am worthy of feeling a love so deep nothing can compare, just I am worthy in general.

This is just a step forward in my journey to feeling that completeness- along with being able to love myself where I am, and accepting who a am in the moment- and remembering I'm much more than just "Monkey Boy's mom and WoWzers sister"... but, it's a step I'm glad I have taken.  (knowing Monkey was happy and had fun took a weight off my shoulders as well) I'm looking forward to next week and going back... who knows maybe I will eventually get over my crowd phobia but that's a WHOLE other post!!!!

Love to all!!!! s~s

20/20 Rocking FORTY Fabulously~~~~

Good afternoon my lovies!!! Hope your Tuesday is ROCKING!!!!

Last week I KNOW I was whining about getting lost in the hoopla of being Monkey Boy’s mom and WoWzers Big sis—and I apologize but hey- it’s what was happening at the time and have I not warned you, that you’ll be privy to those days as well as the ones that kick ass???

Speaking of kicking ASS… Did just that this weekend!! I took Friday off (for the most part) and just went shopping for myself- not the house, not the boys, just ME- felt good to do something just for Shonda for a change.  I found an adorable dress I decided to wear Saturday night AND shoes to go with it!!! 

If you don't know I turned the BIG 4-0 on Sunday... so this weekend was about my birthday!!!!! 

Then Saturday I got a massage, a manicure/pedicure and spent the day just doing what I Wanted to do- all while knowing Monkey Boy was having a BLAST with his Ms. K.  After a day of letting other people pamper me- 

I headed home to get ready for my birthday celebration…

Not going to lie, I was a little blue when I got word that several of my friends who I expected to hang out with at the ‘after dinner party’ were going to be unable to make it… so I just canceled that part of my evening- THEN I got a late RSVP that a favorite person of mine would be joining us… YAY, all renewed and ready to rock!!!

I managed to get my hair to do what I wanted it to, (took me a few tries) and donned my little blue dress- and I must say, I felt pretty… Oh so pretty…. Oh sorry got off track singing there. 

Super Sweet Present!!

Dinner was PERFECT- some of the people I love and care about the most were there- minus my mom, stepdad, Monkey Boy and WoWzer (who had to work so NOT upset over that fact!) I haven’t been out like a grown up in, ummmmmm yeah I can’t tell you when, so it was so great to just chill and enjoy the company of the people who love me!! (they love me JUST LIKE I AM, too—always a huge PLUS!!) ]

After dinner, I got to snuggle on Monkey while he was asleep and on Sunday I woke up to a sweet present he made me w/Ms. K and some awesome cupcakes he helped her make too!!!

I also woke up to a TON of Happy Birthday messages from friends and family all over the country!! :) :)  [ 

Told you it was cute!!! :)

Sunday I pulled off another CUTE hair style, if I may say so myself, and I took the boys to a Lexington Legends game.  (Great seats compliments of Monkey Boy’s Toyota Miracle League of the Bluegrass most amazing buddy and Monkey Boy’s biggest fan- next to mom of course!)

PLAY BALL!!! 

We enjoyed hot dogs and a couple drinks- then when Monkey was over stimulated we left the game and ended up at a local Mexican establishment for dinner and a rendition of “Feliz Cumpleanos” complete with sombrero and free sopapilla! Then later a great phone call with a wonderful friend who lives too far away! 

So all in all I will say my last days at 39 and my first at 40 have F'ing ROCKED!!!! I was reminded of what's most important and that's being with the people who love me, for me- not the quantity of guests at a party but the quality of the relationships you have with those guests!!

(I've also decided that when I have the time, I will TOTALLY be rocking more 1940’s inspired fashions and hair styles… I LOVE them!! Wish we had got some good pics… who knows maybe that’s my next “ME THING” a vintage photo shoot!!! OOOH now that sounds like fun!!!!)

My Inspiration- my Grandma in 1942 and me in 2013!!  

Love you all and I encourage you to love yourself- take time out every so often for yourself and you’ll discover what a huge difference it has on your outlook!!!

Love~~ ]]]

S~S [[[

Where in the world is....

I've tried writing for a couple weeks now and for some reason just can't seem to get the words to flow... some days I think... AH-HA today will be the day I'll have something prolific to say...

Then I think about things going on in my life and realize not everyone wants to know what Monkey Boy said last night or how potty training is going (great btw, thanks for asking).  Not everyone wants to read about another mischievous moment he's had... or cute thing he did. Sometimes however it feels like that's all I have to talk about- I suppose that comes along with being a mother- especially of an extra special miracle (all children are miracles really, but mine is extra special) But someday's I feel like I have lost a huge part of ME along the way, today is one of those day...

Maybe it's my impending 'celebration of the day I entered the world' (AKA my birthday) or other things that are going on in the world of Monkey Boy and WoWzer... Granted the boys have both had a lot of changes and transitions and being mom and the responsible older sibling I do tend to give a lot to help them both- whatever it is... somewhere I've once again lost simply, Shonda... I'm back to being "Monkey Boy's Mom" or "WoWzers Sister".

I kind of miss being ME, I was just getting back to finding myself, accepting myself and loving myself.  I am going on a hunt for her this weekend-- I'm getting a massage and a mani/pedi, a couple little things for myself, will that help?? I hope so...

                                             
I guess my challenge for each of you is to do something for YOU this weekend- take a few minutes to just do something for yourself- (I don't mean something you NEED to do, like make that doctors appointment that's way overdue because you have to make sure everyone else is seen first) I mean something you WANT to do, just for yourself- no matter how selfish it feels...

Love,
S~S

Into the Light...

Good Afternoon my pretties!!! Hope everyone is enjoying this heat and humidity~~ because it's not the heat- it's the humid that makes it so miserable right?? (Sorry, no it's the heat too- I'm too delicate a Scottish flower to believe the bullshit about how dry heat is different...) I prefer comfortably warm-- about 10-15 degrees cooler than it's been here lately!

So ANYHOW... enough about the weather- let's get down to the nitty gritty of why we're here... (to read what I have to say, right?)

Have you ever been happy, content and just sailing along-- no chop, smooth water, just the right amount of wind and sunshine.  A perfect feeling actually, one you'd like to relish for a long time... A feeling you could get used to and could enjoy to it's fullest....

Then BAM!!! Suddenly your sail has a small hole in it, out of nowhere. It's not a huge rip, it's hardly noticeable to the nekkid (yes NEKKID) eye- but slowly you start losing wind-- your mainsail starts to deflate a little and you're no longer sailing along, more like drifting aimlessly.  The longer you're out on the water the larger the rip gets and the more deflated your sail becomes, until finally it's useless.

Now how the hell are you going to get back to shore?? You have to break out the oars and row in.  What happened to your smooth, slow, relaxed sailing excursion?? Now you have to WORK to get back to shore safely.  It's starting to get dark and that calm water is now a little freakishly scary.  So you row harder and harder hoping to get back to land before your mind starts to play tricks on you and you start seeing things in the dark, in the still calm water.  Hopefully you're rowing in the right direction, not going in circles or getting further and further from shore. 

Oh and don't forget it's getting cold now- the sun has set and taken not only, the only light you had but that wonderful soft warmth along with it.  This makes it even harder to row as the cold sets in.  You're cold, tired, scared and a little pissed off that your relaxing jaunt has taken a turn for the worst. Your mind is racing- you're starting to consider giving up, when you see a glimmer of light.  

Hopefully it's not some kind of sea monster (told you your mind was racing and making up some crazy shit!) You're inclined to row toward the light, hurriedly at first, then your brain starts making up more crazy stuff so you slow down some-- the closer you get, you realize it's a light house, a beckon of safety! You row faster and harder until you finally make it to shore- safely.  You're welcomed by a light keeper, offered shelter, food and rest.  You also discover a place to repair your sail.  It isn't a hard job, the sail isn't completely torn just enough to deflate and not hold your wind- so you mend your sail and sleep a good hard sleep after working so hard to get to shore.  The next day you are able to start off on your sailing excursion again... renewed, restored and ready to go.  The light keeper gives you enough provisions to help you in the event your sail goes flat again along with a compass to help you on your way.   This time you're prepared for dangers and feel more secure as you travel in  your repaired sailboat. 

OK so MOST of us have never even BEEN on a sailboat- much less on an excursion out on our own like the one above.  BUT how many times have you be content and happy, sailing along when someone says something that just seems to take all the wind out of your sails?? It may have been an innocent comment to them but to you it was that small rip that lead to your deflated mainsail. They may not even realize they've said or done anything 'damaging' but yet there you are, dead in the water, feeling defeated. 

Maybe you were just starting to get over issues that had plagued you for several years and feeling really good about yourself and your situation- now you feel like you're slipping back to that dark, scary place again. You pull out your oars and start working to leave the darkness behind, you KNOW you can get out of it, you've done it before-- you've worked hard to overcome the fear, the demons in your head, the things you imagine are there but really aren't. (or that you imagine aren't there but they really are. Think about that one for a minute) But for a while you hadn't had to deal with any of them- until NOW... again- it only took a few words and you feel like you're drifting aimlessly once more.  You're working harder than ever to get to that happy place again. You're rowing fast and furious to get out of the dark and cold. 

Then your light house comes along- it could be a friend, a stranger, a child with something to say that lifts your spirits- or it could be something else- you may read something, see something- whatever it is for you, it helps guide you to a safe, quiet place.  A place to regroup and remind yourself, you're OK.  A place where you can repair your sail and relax.  Where you can reflect.  From this encounter with your light keeper you feel energized, ready to head back out- ready to conquer your insecurities and fears again- to get back on track. You may proceed cautiously at first. You may choose to avoid the one who 'ripped your sail' in the first place, at least for a while... or you may choose to confront them- whatever floats your boat (HA) and works for you!  But remember when you feel that darkness creeping in that there is someone, something out there that is your light keeper-- and strive to surround yourself with that (those, them... you get the point) 

It's also a good time to remember we can all be light keepers-- that there's someone out there in the darkness, a drift with no direction and we can each bring them light- we can all give someone else rest and reassurance at some point.  It's sort of a pay it forward kind of deal~~ you may find that by sharing your light with someone else you actually light your own way as well. 

I hope each of you find your light house today- and act as someone's light keeper as well.  

Love,

S~S

The Aftermath... not After the Math (because that would be depressing, I hate math!)

HELLO my darlings!!! Missed me lately??  

It's been a while since I took the time to sit down and write- I've been busy traveling for work and then getting back to 'normal' after that... Although not sure how I manage to do that since there was no 'normal' before I was gone so much.  But, I always say there is no such thing as normal-- only varying degrees of insanity!  That I can do! 

 OK- so ANYHOW a few weeks ago I wrote about Breaking The Mold- taking charge of how I feel about MYSELF and not letting society dictate how I should feel, look, act...etc.  Wanted to take a minute and update everyone one that- it's actually WORKING!!!!!

Since deciding to relinquish the confines of society's expectations~~~ 

I've come to like myself more, take better care of myself and feel better about ME and who I am.  I've been taking advantage of having an amazing support system with the Monkey Boy and taking time to get my nails done, get my hair done and occasionally take some down time, just for ME.  I'm less stressed, less blah and actually less 'tired'.  I've started doing things that make ME happy again... being selfish for just a few hours a week (But NOT causing Monkey Boy to sacrifice at all)-- ALL because I decided to change how I looked at, thought of and felt about myself.  I'm taking time to realize I'm more than just Monkey Boy's momma- I'm My own person, who DESERVES to feel good about HERSELF.

I figured with a milestone birthday coming up (YES, I will be 21 AGAIN!!! Thanks for asking!)  I didn't want to face another decade feeling so down on myself- because at the end of the day it's my opinion that actually dictates how others feel about me.  If I possess a negative attitude about myself, my body, my position in life at this time- then others will follow suit- and that is NOT what I'm looking to put out in the universe.  

I can't lie I've had a BAD attitude about myself for a long time- actually my attitude has just been bad about  a lot of  things (no need to make a list here)-- but since I've been learning to Roll With It and Breaking The Mold I'm learning to be a lot more positive.  I had no idea how my self image and my hang ups about it were affecting my life as a whole-- until I started changing the way I think. 

Breaking the chains of constantly trying to measure up to someone else's expectations has been AMAZING... Just wish it hadn't taken as long as it has 'ahem... it's only be 21 years.  (you DO believe that right??) 

 It's not been a quick and easy thing to do- I still look in the mirror sometimes and go 'meh'... but I'm trying daily to find at least ONE positive thing and focus on that... Someday's, I'm still caught off guard at times by something in the media that makes me feel inferior, then I politely say "Fuck it, that's not who I am or who I'll ever be"- and I go back to celebrating my uniqueness.  

I'm trying to let go of the old 'expectations' of how someone of my age and position in life (the single mother of a very special needs little guy in a professional career) is supposed to act and feel and instead decide for myself-- if I want to be silly, I'll act silly, if I don't want to "act my age", so be it~~ AND I'm LEARNING to take chances- although I'm STILL not very good at that- I get all tangled up inside and then I start to go thru the 'what if's' and it takes a downward spiral straight to "Hell in a Hand-basket" - but I don't want to be at the end of my life and regret not taking a risk ~~~ So it's a learning process. 

If I can wish and hope anything for anyone else it's that each of you have the same freedom from your negative thoughts and connotations about yourself- that you discover how amazing  YOU are just as you are- how NO ONE has the ability to define you but  YOU.

I promise to check in sooner and update y'all on the progress! I'd LOVE to hear what some of you have done recently to break free from the chains of others expectations~~ and how you felt about it!! 

Love to all!!

S~S