Breaking the Mold...

A couple weeks ago I posted about how I have trouble ‘Rolling With It’ when it comes to Monkey Boy and the mainstream vs. Monkey Boy ideals… It’s bothered me for a while now as to WHY I really give two mouse farts as to what others think about him, me or how I handle things with him- then it dawned on me- I’m like that about EVERYTHING…

SO, WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE??

Because it’s been ingrained into me from childhood that it matters what society thinks!! I've been told that there’s this general idea of how I’m supposed to look, act, behave, raise my child, love and live for nearly FORTY years now… well it’s time I break that damn mold!!! 

I've never been one who REALLY wanted to conform, I always wanted to be ME— I've never truly fit into society's perfect little package—but I’d be damned if I didn't die trying because well, it's what you do... 

Let’s start with my HORRIFIC BODY IMAGE ISSUES-- I've tried and subsequently failed at every fad diet in the book because I have been told from a young age (starting about age 9-10); “You’d be so pretty if you’d just lose the weight”, “No one wants to be with a big girl”, “You’ll never have babies if you’re fat!”, “You look unhealthy- don’t you want to look healthy??” and my fave the simple “ You've got such a pretty face…” (Queue crickets chirping) Wow, really Grandma??  

Now at that stage of my life I wasn't even 'big' just thicker than what I was 'supposed' to be by industry standards, I danced in High School- Looking back, I was pretty darn cute! But never felt cute because I wasn't 'skinny'... 

1988- ME!!

The awe inspiring, confidence building comments only got better as I got older and tried to ‘become what was acceptable’ in the weight department- Not only did these comments destroy my inner confidence but they also shaped how I look at others - which is an awful thing- and so not fair, to me or to ‘others’!!

I put SO MUCH energy into trying to SQUEEZE into that mold that was set up for me back in 1973, that I didn't have energy for other things, I was too busy counting calories or figuring out if I walked this long on the treadmill how many calories that burned, etc. —I have been a slave to the scale and to the nagging voice in the back of my head (usually sounded like my mother honestly) saying “don’t eat that- you’ll regret it in the morning when you get on the scale!!” Then eating anyway just to 'show her I could do what the hell I wanted!'

The feelings of shame and failure didn’t help either- “What happened? You had lost all that weight and now it’s back…” (Said by an ‘authority figure’ I used to work under—who has never experienced being ‘the fat girl’)  WHO SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE??? Really???  Oh and THANKS for pointing it out, because I didn't notice when my ‘fat jeans’ became my ‘OMG these are too tight’ jeans???? 

Granted over the last six years I have gained a considerable amount of weight (how much is between me and myself) but do people really think they’re helping bolster any one’s self confidence when they make comments like that to people—and why should they care??  Especially when they haven't experienced what I have- what's brought me to this stage of my life? Are THEY so bent by the media they only see numbers on a scale and not who a person is beyond that?? 

I don't want to blame it all on the media but seems like just when we get a role model we (as bigger girls) can relate to they’re suddenly the next Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig ‘spokes model’... 

Jennifer Hudson

When the media tells us we are supposed to look like Jenny McCarthy not Melissa McCarthy.  (Who is absolutely BEAUTIFUL and funny to boot!)  It's hard not to be made to feel like you're not amazing because you're 'bigger'...

Melissa McCarthy/Jenny McCarthy

Recently I found another blogger The Militant Baker who I have just fallen in love with!! The more I read, the more I want desperately to adapt to her self-view… she’s OK with being WHO SHE IS - LIKE SHE IS… she doesn't give a rats ass what others think.  There was one particular post that was linked from a friends Facebook page—Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls...  can’t lie, I cried reading it!! I totally bawled!! I mean sobbed like a little girl…

So for today I’m going to end here—my head is about to explode with all the emotions and thoughts floating around in it- I’ll tackle the rest of the list of ‘what I’m supposed to be’ tomorrow or the next day… when we’ll look at how I’m apparently supposed to love, live and raise my child!!! Boy doesn't that sound fun?? I know I'm looking forward to it! YYEEEKKK!!! 

For now I’m going to work on liking ME- BIG, FLUFFY, ME!!! I’m going to find the things I LOVE about myself- PHYSICALLY not just ‘on the inside’ and flaunt them… I'm going to TRY to start dressing like I want, instead of hiding in sweat shirts and hockey jersey's because I'm afraid someone will judge me for wearing short skirts and sleeveless tops since I'm NOT 'little'. I'm going to  try to stop gagging when I go shopping and look for the positives instead!! I'm going to embrace the goddess with curves and even rolls that lies beneath layers of cardigans and big T-shirts. (Ok the cardigans may have to linger because it's cold as the north pole in my office! But they'll only be for warmth!) 

Now, it’s NOT—I REPEAT NOT going to happen overnight I mean I have 40 years to chip away at here folks but I’m going to break this cycle of hating my ‘self’ because I’m not what society has dictated I be- NO I’m NOT, I’m ME!!! 



I'm Simply Shonda!!!