Subtle reminders.....

I began this post back in October obviously never posted it.... but was reminded of these things again this week...

Sorry it's been a while since I posted anything- just have been quite busy- and can't seem to put two cohesive sentences together lately.  So I'm going to try again...

I was thinking the other day the whole reason I started this blog back in January 2013 was to help me process some of the things I experience as a special needs parent.  I've used this platform for many different things over the year and a few months, to explain some of Monkey Boy's issues, to explore the concept of self love and being body positive.  But I really started it to just work through some 'issues'-- today I find myself back at that place, where I need to work through some emotions. 

October 2013....

This weekend I was subtly reminded what my life is... what it means to be me and Monkey... 

Bubby and I (along with WoWzer) went on a play-date this weekend- really our first ever- being Monkey we've never really been invited on play dates b/c well mom has this self imposed "isolation" issue-- I worry so much about how he'll act, and what if he does this etc... Yes I worry too much about the way the general public will react when he's 'in a mood' (I'm talking about Monkey here not WoWzer- although sometimes I worry about him as well) Anyhow-- this family we were with understands us- from a personal and professional standpoint.  Honestly, it's Monkey's best buddy from school and his awesome family-- SO we were at a local "Apple Picking" establishment that has a play area for the kiddos and Monkey saw the little pedal tractors-- something along the lines of this sweet mini- beauty...

He was desperate to ride it- he was so excited when one became available-- only he couldn't ride it.  As hard as he tried, he couldn't pedal the little tractor to make it move.  Normally I would've just pushed him from behind to help him get some momentum and let him pick up on the pedaling from that initial shove.  In fact I did that a time or two and he'd get a couple inches and have to pedal on his own- he just couldn't get it, no matter how much energy he put into it.  There were other kids coming into the play area, some older than him, at least bigger physically and they were whizzing by him pedaling a mile a minute- and here he was stuck in the middle of the traffic like he had just run out of gas on the interstate.  I couldn't follow him around the little track for dodging all the 'pedal- able' children.  But then I noticed some of them started looking at him like "Well Farmer Joe you gonna move that damn thing or just park it in the middle of the road??" He was busy watching them... trying to imitate how they made their little tractors move- I watched his face as he was so determined to go, just a few feet on his own.  I think he would've felt like he'd moved it a mile!! It was just a feat he could not accomplish and it broke my heart to stand there and watch, so I convinced him there was something wrong with this particular tractor and we'd come back later when others were available to try another tractor-- relying on his inability to realize when mom was bullshitting him, or trying to make him feel better.

However it just reminded me of how he will continue to struggle in life- as much as he's changed, adapted, accommodated and grown-- he will always have struggles that most do not endure.  Granted he is blessed and he's one of the 'lucky ones' he IS able to run, jump, climb, kick, skip (kind of), hop and do all those things, he's still not 'typical' and not for lack of  trying on his part obviously.

Luckily we went on to play, laugh and pick pumpkins... with those special friends we really couldn't do with out...

Skip ahead to April 2014.... I had all but forgotten the tractor incident (and I'm sure he has filed it under 'One of the Best Days EVER' in his brain) then he bounded into the house from a trip to the park w/Ms. K the other day.  First thing he says-- OK second after, "LOOK K... Mommy's HOME!!!"

Was an immediate... "I wanna bike, PLEASE mommy, I wanna bike!!!!" my heart froze he had hit it w/a jolt- I flashed back to the tractor and all the kids staring at him and getting frustrated because the 'normal looking' kid couldn't pedal the tractor-- I could just envision kids making fun of him because he was stuck and couldn't move a bike.  

We've tried several different ones in the store previously- because momma wants him to have one- I want him to have everything typical kids have, but I want him to feel successful as well. It's not my goal to set him up to fail, in NO WAY is that what my heart wants, heaven knows life will give him plenty of chances to fail just by living it- I just want him to look back and feel like he had a somewhat typical childhood~~ however, even the small bikes- were too much for him to pedal. I know there are adaptive bikes and I've looked at those online, they're in the hundreds to thousands of dollars range and right now with raising money to get him to his training for his service dog... I can't extend myself on one of  those... so I'm going to be looking again for a little bike to let him try to learn on-- and then once he does I'm going to be worried he'll run off on it...

So many of my friends are in this position where our kids have all faced enormous odds (much more than riding a bike) and met those challenges  head on, coming out on the other side with a huge mark in the WIN column- and that's what keeps us all held together-- focusing on the WINS the VICTORIES and not the defeats.  So many of my special needs momma's (and daddy's) can sadly relate too, to those small defeats that bring us to tears when we think of them- and when we think in that moment what it means for our children.

However in reality it may be a 'failure' for that minute- but in the scheme of things it was just a detour...

It's human nature to see, feel, experience the here and now, and not always be able to move past it in the moment and see the future-- sometimes it's because what lies ahead isn't pretty, it's ugly, it's sad, it's heartbreaking and devastating... Others it's just too damned hard to see the rainbow on the other side of the huge storm that's clouding up our view.
 But somewhere there's usually some silver glistening between the lightening strikes and the thunder claps-- we just have to keep looking for it.  It's only when we give up that we face true failure, it's when we listen to others tell us we can't do things or when we compare our uncut version to someone else's highlight reel... that we start to face failure.  Instead we need to pick up, dust off and get back on and TRY AGAIN!!

For me the glitter in the gray cloud shines when I think that despite every stumbling block he's faced my Monkey Boy still wants to try harder... he wants to conquer what he's not been 'able to do' in the past and just be like most other 6 year olds... he WANTS a bike.  Guess I'm off to look for a bike to get him started on-- I know I'll turn into a big blubbery mess when he gets it- with tears of sadness, watching him struggle to do what comes naturally to most children at a much younger age and yet tears of joy because he will NOT give up- and he will be excited just for the chance to TRY!

It's that amazing spirit of his that keeps me going frequently... his "I'm AWESOME and I ROCK!!!" (direct quote, btw) attitude that drives him daily to keep conquering and gives him more WINS on his score sheet than defeats...

I challenge you to find what drives you- what makes you determined to keep pedaling- to not give up, to see beyond the clouds and find the silver lining... whatever it is, hold on to it, don't let go and don't stop pedaling!!!