The Aftermath... not After the Math (because that would be depressing, I hate math!)

HELLO my darlings!!! Missed me lately??  

It's been a while since I took the time to sit down and write- I've been busy traveling for work and then getting back to 'normal' after that... Although not sure how I manage to do that since there was no 'normal' before I was gone so much.  But, I always say there is no such thing as normal-- only varying degrees of insanity!  That I can do! 

 OK- so ANYHOW a few weeks ago I wrote about Breaking The Mold- taking charge of how I feel about MYSELF and not letting society dictate how I should feel, look, act...etc.  Wanted to take a minute and update everyone one that- it's actually WORKING!!!!!

Since deciding to relinquish the confines of society's expectations~~~ 

I've come to like myself more, take better care of myself and feel better about ME and who I am.  I've been taking advantage of having an amazing support system with the Monkey Boy and taking time to get my nails done, get my hair done and occasionally take some down time, just for ME.  I'm less stressed, less blah and actually less 'tired'.  I've started doing things that make ME happy again... being selfish for just a few hours a week (But NOT causing Monkey Boy to sacrifice at all)-- ALL because I decided to change how I looked at, thought of and felt about myself.  I'm taking time to realize I'm more than just Monkey Boy's momma- I'm My own person, who DESERVES to feel good about HERSELF.

I figured with a milestone birthday coming up (YES, I will be 21 AGAIN!!! Thanks for asking!)  I didn't want to face another decade feeling so down on myself- because at the end of the day it's my opinion that actually dictates how others feel about me.  If I possess a negative attitude about myself, my body, my position in life at this time- then others will follow suit- and that is NOT what I'm looking to put out in the universe.  

I can't lie I've had a BAD attitude about myself for a long time- actually my attitude has just been bad about  a lot of  things (no need to make a list here)-- but since I've been learning to Roll With It and Breaking The Mold I'm learning to be a lot more positive.  I had no idea how my self image and my hang ups about it were affecting my life as a whole-- until I started changing the way I think. 

Breaking the chains of constantly trying to measure up to someone else's expectations has been AMAZING... Just wish it hadn't taken as long as it has 'ahem... it's only be 21 years.  (you DO believe that right??) 

 It's not been a quick and easy thing to do- I still look in the mirror sometimes and go 'meh'... but I'm trying daily to find at least ONE positive thing and focus on that... Someday's, I'm still caught off guard at times by something in the media that makes me feel inferior, then I politely say "Fuck it, that's not who I am or who I'll ever be"- and I go back to celebrating my uniqueness.  

I'm trying to let go of the old 'expectations' of how someone of my age and position in life (the single mother of a very special needs little guy in a professional career) is supposed to act and feel and instead decide for myself-- if I want to be silly, I'll act silly, if I don't want to "act my age", so be it~~ AND I'm LEARNING to take chances- although I'm STILL not very good at that- I get all tangled up inside and then I start to go thru the 'what if's' and it takes a downward spiral straight to "Hell in a Hand-basket" - but I don't want to be at the end of my life and regret not taking a risk ~~~ So it's a learning process. 

If I can wish and hope anything for anyone else it's that each of you have the same freedom from your negative thoughts and connotations about yourself- that you discover how amazing  YOU are just as you are- how NO ONE has the ability to define you but  YOU.

I promise to check in sooner and update y'all on the progress! I'd LOVE to hear what some of you have done recently to break free from the chains of others expectations~~ and how you felt about it!! 

Love to all!!

S~S 

Breaking the Mold...

A couple weeks ago I posted about how I have trouble ‘Rolling With It’ when it comes to Monkey Boy and the mainstream vs. Monkey Boy ideals… It’s bothered me for a while now as to WHY I really give two mouse farts as to what others think about him, me or how I handle things with him- then it dawned on me- I’m like that about EVERYTHING…

SO, WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE??

Because it’s been ingrained into me from childhood that it matters what society thinks!! I've been told that there’s this general idea of how I’m supposed to look, act, behave, raise my child, love and live for nearly FORTY years now… well it’s time I break that damn mold!!! 

I've never been one who REALLY wanted to conform, I always wanted to be ME— I've never truly fit into society's perfect little package—but I’d be damned if I didn't die trying because well, it's what you do... 

Let’s start with my HORRIFIC BODY IMAGE ISSUES-- I've tried and subsequently failed at every fad diet in the book because I have been told from a young age (starting about age 9-10); “You’d be so pretty if you’d just lose the weight”, “No one wants to be with a big girl”, “You’ll never have babies if you’re fat!”, “You look unhealthy- don’t you want to look healthy??” and my fave the simple “ You've got such a pretty face…” (Queue crickets chirping) Wow, really Grandma??  

Now at that stage of my life I wasn't even 'big' just thicker than what I was 'supposed' to be by industry standards, I danced in High School- Looking back, I was pretty darn cute! But never felt cute because I wasn't 'skinny'... 

1988- ME!!

The awe inspiring, confidence building comments only got better as I got older and tried to ‘become what was acceptable’ in the weight department- Not only did these comments destroy my inner confidence but they also shaped how I look at others - which is an awful thing- and so not fair, to me or to ‘others’!!

I put SO MUCH energy into trying to SQUEEZE into that mold that was set up for me back in 1973, that I didn't have energy for other things, I was too busy counting calories or figuring out if I walked this long on the treadmill how many calories that burned, etc. —I have been a slave to the scale and to the nagging voice in the back of my head (usually sounded like my mother honestly) saying “don’t eat that- you’ll regret it in the morning when you get on the scale!!” Then eating anyway just to 'show her I could do what the hell I wanted!'

The feelings of shame and failure didn’t help either- “What happened? You had lost all that weight and now it’s back…” (Said by an ‘authority figure’ I used to work under—who has never experienced being ‘the fat girl’)  WHO SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE??? Really???  Oh and THANKS for pointing it out, because I didn't notice when my ‘fat jeans’ became my ‘OMG these are too tight’ jeans???? 

Granted over the last six years I have gained a considerable amount of weight (how much is between me and myself) but do people really think they’re helping bolster any one’s self confidence when they make comments like that to people—and why should they care??  Especially when they haven't experienced what I have- what's brought me to this stage of my life? Are THEY so bent by the media they only see numbers on a scale and not who a person is beyond that?? 

I don't want to blame it all on the media but seems like just when we get a role model we (as bigger girls) can relate to they’re suddenly the next Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig ‘spokes model’... 

Jennifer Hudson

When the media tells us we are supposed to look like Jenny McCarthy not Melissa McCarthy.  (Who is absolutely BEAUTIFUL and funny to boot!)  It's hard not to be made to feel like you're not amazing because you're 'bigger'...

Melissa McCarthy/Jenny McCarthy

Recently I found another blogger The Militant Baker who I have just fallen in love with!! The more I read, the more I want desperately to adapt to her self-view… she’s OK with being WHO SHE IS - LIKE SHE IS… she doesn't give a rats ass what others think.  There was one particular post that was linked from a friends Facebook page—Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls...  can’t lie, I cried reading it!! I totally bawled!! I mean sobbed like a little girl…

So for today I’m going to end here—my head is about to explode with all the emotions and thoughts floating around in it- I’ll tackle the rest of the list of ‘what I’m supposed to be’ tomorrow or the next day… when we’ll look at how I’m apparently supposed to love, live and raise my child!!! Boy doesn't that sound fun?? I know I'm looking forward to it! YYEEEKKK!!! 

For now I’m going to work on liking ME- BIG, FLUFFY, ME!!! I’m going to find the things I LOVE about myself- PHYSICALLY not just ‘on the inside’ and flaunt them… I'm going to TRY to start dressing like I want, instead of hiding in sweat shirts and hockey jersey's because I'm afraid someone will judge me for wearing short skirts and sleeveless tops since I'm NOT 'little'. I'm going to  try to stop gagging when I go shopping and look for the positives instead!! I'm going to embrace the goddess with curves and even rolls that lies beneath layers of cardigans and big T-shirts. (Ok the cardigans may have to linger because it's cold as the north pole in my office! But they'll only be for warmth!) 

Now, it’s NOT—I REPEAT NOT going to happen overnight I mean I have 40 years to chip away at here folks but I’m going to break this cycle of hating my ‘self’ because I’m not what society has dictated I be- NO I’m NOT, I’m ME!!! 



I'm Simply Shonda!!!