So Saturday we had game two of Monkey Boy’s extraordinary
baseball team… of course he ran—and ran—and ran some more… not when he was
supposed to or to where he was supposed to go but just randomly all over the field…
Stopping on occasion to throw a ball to someone, to give someone a high five or his favorite game ~ smack mom on the butt— And I’m not going to lie—it made me anxious.
Anxious someone would comment on the wild little boy running
all over—the little boy who couldn't listen, who couldn't be still… That someone
would comment on my apparent lack of parenting skills and how he just needs
boundaries and discipline…
I suppose I’m still stuck a mindset of ‘mainstream’ and how
I’m supposed to help him ‘fit into that mold’ although I KNOW he’s never going
to just ‘fit in’, I subconsciously keep expecting any day it’ll happen- it’ll
click in his little oddly wired brain and he’ll ‘get it’… but at the end of the
day I’m left exasperated, worn out, exhausted, pooped and plain old
disappointed… WHY???
Because I can’t just “LET IT GO”!!!
You’d think after five years, I’d have this down, but
sometimes I forget when I look into those big brown eyes while he’s doing
something SO typical of a 4/5 year old (since he’s a new five I will cut some
slack there), I forget how we struggle to keep our little body in sync so we
can just make it through the day. I
forget how we can memorize an entire movie script but we can’t remember that
the stove is hot… I forget that we can’t process things as quickly and we
repeat- sometimes we repeat, repeat, repeat until mom is blue in the face and
frustrated- I forget our little body just doesn't always do the things we want
it to and it’s hard to figure out how to catch a ball, cut a piece of paper or various other fine
motor things—
Then- just when I’m on the brink of tears, comes an “I love
you mommy” or “I want to cwuddle you mommy” or my favorite—“I jus wanna hold
you mommy, please!” And all the frustration, anxiety and tension is gone for a
little while…
I’m working on letting it go- letting go of that picture of the typically functioning little dark skinned, dark headed, bright eyed boy I see in him—and to embrace WHO he is… he’s just HIM, and he's PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!! I’ve spoken on this before- on the grieving the little boy I thought I’d have… well it’s a process. It’s one I’m still dealing with- obviously- DUH!!
I’m working on letting it go- letting go of that picture of the typically functioning little dark skinned, dark headed, bright eyed boy I see in him—and to embrace WHO he is… he’s just HIM, and he's PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!! I’ve spoken on this before- on the grieving the little boy I thought I’d have… well it’s a process. It’s one I’m still dealing with- obviously- DUH!!
I was reminded by another very special momma this weekend
that when he’s at baseball—they ALL get it—that’s why they’re there!! To just
let him go… to let IT go… let him run, let him be silly, let him soak up all
the love that’s on that field for him and special kids like him… no one there
is going to judge him- no one there is going to think I’m a bad parent- just
relax and let it go!!! She calls it her ‘happy place’—and boy don’t I need one
of those?? Don’t we all?? Somewhere we don’t feel judged- where we’re accepted
for just being ourselves??
Luckily Monkey Boy has his place- now for mom to figure out
how to just take a deep breath, exhale slowly and LET IT GO!!
